12/24/09

i don't even know why i bother writing in this anymore. i feel like i'm completely over sharing what's going on in my life and it's seems real unimportant to others. so with that in mind, i think i'm just going to stop writing in this thing. i won't stop for good but it's not like it used to be. i hate facebook and refuse to sign up for it. i still have myspace but it seems that isn't cool anymore. twitter is only fun to me and way to many people take it very personal, which turns me off substantually. my life right now is in a very wierd spot. i'm actually for once making money and doing my own thing. the connections i have sometimes make me feel very humble and fortunate that i can do something like this. i know it won't last forever because well nothing does. i think i'm going to ride this one out. since getting back from europe i've really analyzed my priorities in life and i am happy. my feelings of hate aren't as strong and outwardly. i'm satisfied with just living my life and doing me because at the end of the day, i'm my own best friend and worst enemy. so here's to everyone who ever said i was a loser, nobody, piece of shit, ugly, reject, talentless hack. i'm only still going because you were and will always be my greatest motivation. blue skies and the biggest smiles, where does your road take you?

last day of tour

i came, i saw, i conquered the uk and europe. i'm stoked to have been able to do this tour it was with all my best friends and nothing will compare to it. the future is looking bright and i'm siked to see where it takes me and my friends. i left the states on the 22nd of november and now i'll be flying home from london on the 22nd of december but there might be a chance i get snowed in here and won't make christmas. who knows though i'm keeping my fingers crossed. hope when i get back it's just fun times and hang outs and cluck u chicken. til then 1 and be safe.

delicious.

me outside nando's in london.
just sayin.
yea.

truth.

sometimes i feel like my life is better then yours. other times i know it.

where ever the wind takes me

long story short.
i leave tomorrow for the uk/europe tour.
i'm stoked on finally getting over there.
the afi tour was insane.
made good friends and had a blast.
the dag nasty cover in philly was awesome.
no concern about anything else but happiness.
i got a new camera and will be documenting my travels more now.
sweet.
here's my test subject.


see ya soon.

re-evaluate the message

where is that one person you want the most when you really need them? i've asked myself this numerous times and have yet to even come up with a justified answer. it is that i'm scared or just unwilling to except my place? i know i'm good at what i do. yes i believe in myself to an extent, but i'm just so turned off by jealousy or obsession. when people talk too much or create this fake persona it's so easy for me to see through it. with some people i just want to slap them and say, "hey, look i know and i get it, but you're not fooling anyone, especially me." is it even worth it though? in the long run i'll be completely okay with being me and still feel sorry for all those who are just pretending to be something. here i am, 24 years old, doing what i want and having a blast. i'm siked to look to back on these times and think, "man i'm experiencing so much and learning a ton along the way. i'm really blessed." i guess at the end of the day, what it really comes down to is, there's a lot of people in my life that are flat out useless and don't mean anything to me. let's see, i'll break down every aspect of my life and weed out the things i don't need. music - awesome. friends - awesome. family - awesome. anything else i'm missing? yes. no comment.

feelings

what's the point of love?

it hurts too much.

it's constricting and harbors my thoughts.

bring back peace or proceed with death.

my fore fathers would be disappointed.

forward ever, backward never

no peace.

reclusion

fragile hands are swift reminders that life isn't what it may seem to be. when collecting thoughts of prior engagements, it's often hard to focus on what the real lesson is. i've slept in beds of royalty and dined with the poorest of mankind. i see no difference. the upper class hates themselves the same, if not equally as much as the lower class. it's your attitude about life that defines you, not the way you wish to display your character. just because you act rich doesn't mean you are rich. some people have millions but look as if they just pranced out of the local thrift store. when breezing through life becomes easier then actually living and experiencing this great planet, something is deathly wrong. i never set a standard or a goal for myself. i never felt the need to. i just thought that if things are going to happen for myself, they will. and they have, in my eyes at least. if someone would've asked me 4 years ago what i'd be doing this time right now, back then, i would've said, "i don't know, probably the same old shit." no prediction is the world would've been right and i'm okay with that. life takes turns and 180's and brings you full circle and back again. it's all in how you look at it and use it to your advantage. i've dined with the richest of mankind and slept in the beds of paupers. i refuse to see a difference.

what the fuck?

just did the first day of the afi/gallows tour. this is ridiculous.
I'm glad I took this opportunity. I'm thankful I have the ability to
do stuff like this. see you soon.

7:27am on monday, september 28th.

is it fascination or pure infatuation that's completely taken over my thought process? i can't get you out of my head. no matter how hard i try, every path i take leads directly back to you. your smile lights up my inner darkness and whisks me away to the place of pure childish excitement. i recall the feel of your skin against mine, oh the splendid ways we kissed. i held your hand and we danced into slumber for what felt like weeks at a time. my black cloud was simply a fashion accessory to perfect array of light you gave off, it only appeared when you were no where in clear sight. i've abandoned my only solace and exchanged my true love with my other true love. every song remind me of you. every waking minute brings your presence to the forefront. you were perfection in the simplest form. you were my beginning and my end. why must i float helplessly without your guidance? the sun's warmth isn't half as hot as when you de-robed and skin was the only thing between our bones. hearts pounding and beating uncontrollably, i wish this could last forever. i never want to be alone, unless it's with your memory. i'll be okay knowing that i had the chance and opportunity to at least try out my undying devotion on you and only you. photographs of your features bring me nothing but sorrow and emptiness but in the best way possible. i want to fight for your affection. you can call me when you want to call. i'll be waiting for you. i want to brush your hair away from your eyes and look deeply into your gaze and once again become speechless. beauty gets its definition from you. flawless in every single way. remember when you traced your fingers up my spine and we laughed about how we felt like we knew each other since childhood. i shared hidden things with you that no one will ever know about me. the one person who knows the most about me might not want to be in my life. the one person who can make and break me in one sentence has possibly forgotten me. there's words invented for times like these, sadly none are coming to mind. in mere seconds, i'll aim a gun at my head and shoot myself full of hope. here's hoping that when the time is right, the right will be right and wrong will be righted. cast only onto those who we push away, never harm the ones who are close. build up broken bridges but never places bridges over broken buildings. my automotive heart has learned to cruise in auto-pilot, will you take the wheel now? love, a character trait that's failed me again.

upcoming thought process

when does it stop and where does it end?

i've traced the path back but made no amends

holding broken dreams with crushed arms

when forever came knocking, i was already running

fever break soon, this hurting needs to stop

look towards the failing light

it's all that guides me home

brace your love, this doesn't feel right

i've shot myself full of hope tonight

tomorrow seems so far away

i'll be on tour with afi/gallows (and flogging molly for canada) til november 22nd then i go to the UK with trash talk to do another gallows tour. then i return home to get the band i joined with brian off the ground. a lot is coming my way. a lot to handle. i can take it, i can take it.

sometimes things turn around on you and darkness creeps up.

breath, this isn't anything to worry about.

get out of my face with that non sense.

i'm here for me and i'm making you leave.

so met hings

i think it hits you in the strangest places. the sudden burst of creativeness. the one thing you've been looking for and needed to put you over the edge. i think i've found my niche in what musical direction i want to head in when it comes to my personal life. there's little people know about me. i'm not all solid stone when it comes to emotion and expression. i love being the outgoing person i am and the personality i convey in the public eye. but there's plenty of private wars i fight on a daily basis. secrets and betrayals seem to be more reoccurring then love and success. when the future is based on a day to day track record where does the pay off come into play? i'm still waiting for that moment. that glimpse of hope that'll push the me to the breaking point. i want to be on the edge of insanity and brilliance, that's where truth and purpose takes form. turning around is easier then pushing forward through hard times and dark days. i've pressed my cheek up against the glass of innocence and starred at the victims of the nine to five. it's ugly and respectable but right now it's not for me. one day will i need a occupation that requires me to preform on that schedule? yes but not this instance. music is my passion and my passion is music. i've got ideas to change the world. if only me and you hear it then i've done at least something right. nothing is ever as it seems, words of heartache might tell a story of a broken home life or of the perfect girl that got away. sentences containing the most obvious lines about the yearning to be something can simply be about wanting to be nothing at all. cover your eyes and close your mouth and just feel for once.

Forecast reads cloudy.

there's billions of people in the world. not one of them shakes my foundation. well there are a few but those people mean more to me then my own well being. once i decided to leave the dead weight behind, i started living. i held onto the ones who i would never forget and would do anything for. i always told myself if i can't get by then my close companions would help me by. there is no giving up, no second best. you can't love something so much that you're willing to let it go once you've hit an obstacle. where would i be had i broken down and went down that already beaten path. my self esteem is at an all time high and i'm where i've always wanted to be. there's so much on my plate and i love it.

ispoiler.tumblr.com

yeeeee, and so it begins.

check me out yo.

man i'm looking good.

high knives with sharp fives

where does your head take you when you're doing 80 down a highway and
all you can do is stare out into the wilderness? you can try and try
to ignore what's racing through your mind but inevitably it comes to
the fore front. it's packaged in a dusty, old trunk tucked deep into
the back of your brain. it hasn't been touched in some time and
should've just disappeared like the rest of its kind. what's left
after you've burned and buried all you once knew? nothing remains and
what's dead stays dead. as hard as I try to feel, I just can't. I will
not put myself in a position to be brought down. if living is a trick
then I've become a master magician. I'm as cold as they come but still
so full of life. you can build all your bridges to me but I'll refuse
your passage as quickly as the next. you and you and you and you mean
absolutely nothing to me. airing dirty laundry is not a game you want
to play with me. I'll crush everything you stand for and leave you
questioning what exactly you believe in. test me, push me to the edge
and see who falls. my intelligence and wit is my balance and you're
teetering on an unstable ledge. forwards ever, backwards never.

summer tour time

I've spent my past three summers out on the road. some might call that
a curse but I'd like to think about it as a blessing. I'm out seeing
the country, experiencing a different spot every day, I can't
complain. I get to see my friends who I don't often get to see outside
of tour. they come to the shows, we catch up on what we've missed and
then part ways til next time. it always seems I get stuck with the
craziest tours and this one is no exception. so far it's been a little
bit of everything. there's been five bands playing and every single
one somehow involves a really good friend of mine. title fight is made
up of really young kids playing their hearts out and loving every
moment of it. I can't say I'm
100% into their music but I love the effort they give day in and day
out. it's pretty awesome to see them having a blast every single time
they take the stage. mother of mercy, I can legitimately say has some
of the best people in the band. bob and me might be the same person
when it comes to many aspects in life. joe kane is seriously the most
straight forward, down to earth dude I've ever come across. kyle and
vince are physcos and I love it. plus their band is great and you
can't deny music that's just all around well written and put together.
gypsy is a supergroup of sorts. members of cold world, blacklisted,
letxdown, and bad seed make up the band. it's often hard to figure out
what's going on at points but I like it. every member is my favorite
and that's cool. foundation is the last band and I'm the most excited
for them. they are the one band I've obsessed over for awhile because
I'm in love with their sound. the passion and effort they put into
their performance every single night is inspiring. it's nice to see
and know and watch people with similar mindsets do what they love and
I can't help but feel connected in a way. our van is packed with
goofballs, fresh faces, drunks, messes, angry ones and all around good
times. I don't anticipate any day on this tour being bad. I'll have
more updates in the future possibly with pictures. no one reads this,
no one ever will.

where i'm at

is where i want to be.

there's a crushing feeling that cripples the body when a person finds out that everything they want and need aren't so easily attained. brush back the hardships and find the silver lining. comb the adonis like hairs called life and relive the greatest moment known to man. insert your name and age when necessary and leave out the evil that provokes heartache. your skin is paralyzing to the touch, i can't restrain myself. if i hold on tight enough, i'll be attached to the hip with you forever. walk me to the morgue and leave me there to celebrate my overdue passing. the flowers look beautiful but smell stale. the peculiar odor is very disheartening and turns my stiff body to vapors. i want to be the sweat that drips and slides down your body in the ever so tender occurrences of passion. i grip your body with strength i never knew i possessed. i've wrapped myself in your arms like blankets on a baby. the warmth between us could light the darkest of days and fuel the emptiest of days. legs intertwined and hands locked and loaded for youthful mornings after spending the night lost in each others gaze. my chest won't sit still, it's pounding. my heart is looking for a way out and i won't let it leave. i want to give you the world. my world. if i ever see you again after this slumber, i pray it never ends. i still feel you, i still miss you, you've meant more to me then you'll ever know. if ever a day, you decide to stay, this waiting game i play will make up for time spent away.

just once, let's do something different.

when you have nothing and have to hustle to get by, it really brings out the best in you. (and the beast in you) is it comforting knowing that when shit needs to get done, i'm down to ride 110%. i don't know it's strange, whenever i'm placed on my own, i seem to flourish. if you get cornered and find yourself struggling to figure something out, look within and not outwardly. when you can assess the situation first, then you can ask people you thoroughly trust for a helping hand. often i try to pause, rewind, stop and replay moments instead of living in the present but no longer. i was on a good path for quite a while and somehow in the past couple weeks deviated from that path. i fell back into the swing of old things but i realized i lost focus and now i'm back on track. forwards ever, backwards never.

the all caring

maybe something is wrong?

maybe some things are wrong?

maybe some things never were.

maybe something goes right.

give me eyes, so that i may not see.

grant me speech, so that i must never speak.

lend me ears, so that i'll ignore the world.

don't wake me up to drive,

leaving you is worse then the thought.

losing touch

for what it's worth, my feelings towards the subject have drastically changed. i no longer feel obligated to try and make something out of nothing. the process of building up has replaced the long treacherous journey of breaking down. my mind works in strange ways and tells me to wake when it's obviously time to rest. the gathering of sleepless nights under my eyes is starting to weigh me down but i can't withstand it. can't i? the pressure pushing down on my shoulders is unbearable but i'm ready and willing to put up a decent fight. bob and weave from would be punches in the form of my past. "nobody's gonna love you like i loved you, face it." what was once broken has been repaired and that which held great precedence in my life has now shriveled up into a ball of senseless drama, one that i refuse to acknowledge. i've found a new love, who's body fits perfectly in my hands. the beads of sweat that are casually exchanged in moments of pure joy and glee hold such importance and i don't know why. i don't think i want to know why. i'd rather just let life, well be life this time around. she's brilliant is her delivery and i stand at attention when she speaks. her words are mature but reek of underlying humor. things that every day people care about are simply brushed under the rug and turned into something that both her and i can laugh at for hours. her smile lights up the room i used to call my heart. the empty space that was vacated has now found an occupant that it can hold onto. i want to touch her, right now, at this very instance, i want her in my arms. the tossing and turning with her resting body has become a dance i've learned quite well. let's call it what it is, two bodies letting go of their realistic experience and giving into the feeling of comfort. i can count on no hands how many times i've wanted to burn down her memory. i'm alive for once and it's so uplifting.

april eleventh two thousand nine

have you ever found death through a window?

just the gaze outside could drive a man insane.

the trees they are all so still.

motionless and calm.

i will never be like them.

i envy their security and their irresponsibility. 

my focus moves from outward to downward.

if the ground stopped yelling my name, i'd have a easier time moving away from the edge.

where's love in time of loss?

my only solace is now public infection.

gather up an army in my head.

i'd rather stay asleep instead.

you say i'm scum

nothing to update

nothing to say

nothing to nothing

sometimes things just fall apart right before your eyes

most times you're surrounded by pretenders and liars

the weeding out process has taken its toll

history repeats itself in ways you will never understand

home

and not a single thing has changed.

there's no rescue from this.

every waking day is just like the last.

why bother changing when life still remains.

the smile has been wiped clean

and something has turned to nothing.

a poor excuse for a life

two faced, scarred memories.

hold me tight

after you wake in the morning

i'll be gone.

happy happy

i've fallen in love with this song.

mostly in part because of natalie but none the less it's a ridiculously catchy song.

sxsw is almost here which should be fun.

good times with all my friends.

then after that driving up to united blood to kick it with more friends.

then it's home for awhile to do nothing and keep active.

that's all for now.

sleepless mess of things

is it me or do i look really awkward in this picture?

having long hair sometimes makes me look weird.

this picture pretty much sums up the past month or so.

i'm tired, i'm broken, i'm beaten down.

things have been great but a long overdue rest is needed.

and that's what i'm doing.

yuv ya.

bye.

for once in your life....

i'm sitting in the room i've called home for about a month now and i'm randomly happy. luis has given me a place to stay, which was very generous of him by the way and i owe him the world. there's talks of me moving out to california in late april/may-ish. we'll see how that works out. so the first tours are done for this year and i'm onto relax time. i get to go home, see my family, see natalie and just lounge around and do nothing. where i'm at mentally and such is an amazing feeling. if you could see the constant smile i've painted on my face the past couple months, you'd think i was a circus clown. it's very nice knowing the world isn't against you and you might have carved a place into people's lives. i am who i am, i'm very open about things and i put myself out there. i'm as care free as ever and well that's me, like it or leave it. the overall response to me out here on the west coast is i'm a good dude, a little weird, but good none the less. some people don't get me, but that makes them want to continue picking my brain apart to see how i operate. that will never happen for them but it keeps them interested. so until the next time i see you, keep reading this. i'll be making random updates and posts just to keep everyone in touch with my where abouts and what i'm doing.

one love

wow whoa weeeeee

things are getting real wild in my world.

it's been insane on a daily basis.

playing in alpha & omega is awesome. i've made plenty of new friends, and have become closer with all the people who were already my friends. it's just real weird, it's like i've been thrusted into a the world of all my equals finally. i don't know if that makes sense to any one reading this but maybe i was oblivious to it honestly. i mean it's just crazy that i can call some of the people i know, friends, and they are looked up to in a strange "iconic" way of some sorts. i never thought i'd get to this point to be truthful. i thought i'd always be myself, doing my thing and no one would ever notice and that i'd just always be living in my own little world. things in the past year or so have turned upside down, it's not even funny. i've been on the road so much, home is more in a van then in bed with my dog and i've grown so comfortable with being in the presence of a new place, it's an alright feeling now. i've been in california for about a month now and i haven't had one complaint at all. i'm living with luis, and i hang out with people every day. did a tour with madball, it ruled. played shows with terror and befriended them, it ruled. playing shows with piece by piece, and again that rules. aaron and i are writing songs and trying to complete a demo asap so that i can sing for a band again, now that's just awesome. there's so many opportunities coming it up it's insane. i'm gonna be home at the end of march through april, then it's back out here in may til we write the record and do tours. i encourage anyone who calls me a friend to take a vacation and come out here and stay with me and just kick it for a little bit. even if it's for a week, just do it, it's amazing. cliff jumping, pools, beaches, mexican food, whatever you could want, it's here. even if we're not friends and you still want to get away for awhile, i am and i believe everyone at some point should, so just do it. come sleep on my floor or on my blow up mattress (current sleeping arrangement) you won't regret it. 

this is really random i know, but cruel hand fell asleep and i'm awake so i felt like typing something.

i'm out, new jersey, i'll see you soon.

1

this has been my life for the past 3 months

and it will be for the next couple months.

bye bye.

hahaha

this whole situation has become utterly embarassing for you to me. I
can't even explain what pathetic thoughts are racing through my head.
the awkwardness has long surpassed and now it's moved on to pure
ridiculousness. when you've become all that you hate, it's hard to
remember who you were and what you stood for. who are you anyway? wow,
I'm so glad I've moved on and am happy and doing well. continue your
rat race to be no one, I'll just be laughing, doing my thing.

peace

yes, uh huh.

today is the first day of the madball tour. california is fun as
always but something's missing or I should say someone. it's crazy
how, in the midst of doing one of the coolest tours right now, my mind
seems to be thinking about things. I'm not sad, no, no, no. it's just,
things seem to be going really well for me and I love it. I haven't
been home since january 12th and my schedule will keep me away til
close to mid april. funny how things turn out for people. little old
me, living the life very few people will ever know.

by the way, I don't know if I should feel sorry for you or if you're
just that pathetic. either way, as hard as I try to say that the times
were good and there's still memories, the fact of the matter is you're
just like everyone else. that is the worst, oh well. no skin off my
back.

peace to the gods
I'm out
1

hey hey hey

everything is just great. i can't even begin to explain it.

holding grudges seem so childish now a days.

i'm in a good place right now and i couldn't be happier.

no more faking smiles, or trudging towards a not so hopeful day, none of that.

it's all on the up and up.

i don't know why i didn't see it earlier. i guess sometimes i blind myself instead of opening my eyes to what's really going on.

i wasn't me for the longest time, but i seem to come around a lot less without you.

crazy how once you put your life into perspective how things tend to fall into place.

my feelings aren't hurt, i'm actually back to normal i believe.

to anyone that reads this, i hope you're doing good and your life is great.

i don't wish the worst anymore.

tour starts on the 27th and i couldn't be anymore excited.

i have a full plate in front of me and i can either decide to eat up or excuse myself because i'm full.

i'm taking this day by day from here on out.

life's way too short to waste it on liars, cheaters, and haters.

keep doing you and i'll keep doing me.

i hope there's pictures of me playing bass for alpha and omega from this upcoming tour because there will be some nice shirts worn as i'll try to shout out as many close friends as i possibly can. 

i probably won't write in this til tour starts, so until then, goodbye.

1/7/2009

Crazy how I feel,
living without you
Inside this house that we built.
It seems like the windows
Finally open
Letting the memories out

Go on and love him
Love him forever
I will not tell him 
I told you to
You’ll never know dear 
How much I loved you
Lovin’s for fools
Lovin's for fools

Maybe you’ll find me 
Walking the garden
Looking for something pure.
Roots that are growing, 
Deeper and deeper
Mabey you’ll pull them too.

where's your head?

it's so strange that i can't think of one person i hate.

i mean i dislike a lot of people and i could go without ever seeing most, but i'm so far beyond hating people anymore.

it's weird, that once you meet someone who makes you happy, things tend to change in your head.

i'm currently working, getting jobs left and right, and looking into the future.

past stay past, future is future.

forwards ever, backwards never.

love's made me blind, love's made me feel alive, love's made me depressed. 

everyone choses their own demise, i think i'll save mine for another meltdown.

no thanks, life.......it's a weird thing.

body rolling

what started off as fun, has now turned serious.

i couldn't be any happier then i am right now.

this mix is what i've been liste​ning to

for the past week.​

tequi​la mocki​ngbir​d - brook​lyn basem​ent
chris​ brown​ - take you down
trey songz​ ft. twist​a - just gotta​ make it
black​stree​t - we gonna​ take you back
black​stree​t - befor​e i let you go
mya ft. jay-​z - best of me (​remix​)​
mos def - ms. fat booty​
mos def - my umi says
nas - just a momen​t
fabol​ous ft. ne-​yo - make me bette​r
usher​ ft. young​ jeezy​ - love in this club
usher​ - u remin​d me
allur​e ft. 112 - all cried​ out
justi​n timbe​rlake​ - my love
justi​n timbe​rlake​ - summe​r love/​set the mood

hate all you want,​ no care whats​oever​.​

someone makes me feel good, someone makes me laugh, and someone makes me quite happy i'm where i'm at currently.

can you guess the 3 people?