crisis

I'm seriously breaking down. in 23 years, I've compiled a list that
not one human being could possibly be proud of. if someone asked me
what I've done in those 23 years, not one positive thing would ne
muttered. no accomplishments have been achieved, no rewards have been
given, no respect has been garnered, all love has been lost, there is
nothing I can call my own. not one person can look me in the eyes and
say I mean something to them. I've fucked up every good chance I've
ever been presented with. my parents aren't very happy with the way
ive been living my life and I dont blame them. my motive used to be
push and push and push. push anyone away then push forward as if
nothing happened and them push against unmoveable walls. that is the
worst mindset to have. a person needs others to lean on. no one is
perfect and the shoulder to cry on isnt nessacarily only there to cry
on. sometimes you just need a temporary pillar to help hold up the
foundation you built called yourself. i am heartless. I'll admit it.
my emotions are that of a rock and its not something to feel good
about. people who have wasted countless amounts of time trying to help
me out of this situation ive put myself in have been pushed so far
away they are unreachable at this point. ive burned every bridge I
shouldve instead secured. in my world sorry doesnt go a long way but
maybe I should change that. it always seemed like I ran to people when
I wanted help but now who do I run to when I need help? where is home?
is home a place I rest my head or a house where I feel safe or a
person who makes me feel safe? all those questions have different
answers. I wish they all were the same. maybe I need to find a future.
maybe I need to cut my long hair and get an office job and just blend
in. some where no one knows my name. is there such thing as eternal
bond? I feel like I could kill anyone for a certain handful of people.
thats not a nice thing to say but I feel very strongly about that. I
want so badly to just be normal. have normal friendships, normal
relationships, but none of that is relavent seeing as those things
only go sour do to my own demise. ive never blamed others for my
mistakes, thats the easy way out. the problem ive always had was never
proving I was sorry and doing the right thing. I'm actually a terrible
human being is what it comes down to. I'm a bad friend, an even worse
boyfriend, and just a dickhead in general. I can't begin to describe
what's exactly running through my head. I doubt anyone cares or will
ever care. ive walked a long hard road toward ruins but I only have
myself to blame. I dont see a way out I dont see this getting any
better I dont know if it should. for anyone who reads this, this might
be the last time I write about this because if this keeps up I won't
be writing anything ever again. there are no pleas for help or an
outstretched hand waiting for someone to grab a hold of. its over.
said and done. there is no peace when the war is within. you won. you
always do.