shimmer

you're foreign territory to me now. to sit and watch you dance the
sweetest waltz, is a thorn in my side. the throne you've been
presented doesn't look to be crumbling yet. these hands you used to
hold are now cold with indifference. stay and wait for my moment or
turn and leave? the chances I've had and used don't seem to sing my
praises. the choir of rejection stands atop the highest mountain in my
mind and belts out a constant ballad. no need to sing along, I've
heard this song too many times to want to join in. my eyes are only
tormented, with pictures and postcards. it's with or without me. a
motto you've settled upon. one I have to agree with, though it hurts
more then you know. growing distant from a burden puts your feet to
work. this running around to catch up to a half broken memory isn't
helping. it can't help. trying to tear down a wall you built makes
rain a welcomed friend. guard your heart, the business of stealing you
away from me is at an all time high. I used to hold you close, but now
I can only stare from afar.

it's was only a dream. i could have sworn it was reality. my senses were tingling and i was feeling every high, and more rapidly, every low. i awoke to find myself sleeping in an empty room. the clock reads 9:30. i've been sleeping for 3 days now? impossible. or is it? i don't remember her leaving. she must've slipped out the window while i drifted into dreamland. the problem with dreams is you never fully can experience them in your worldly life. it's just a portrait illustraited in your head. the blues will never be as blue as the water you sip from. the reds will never feel like the reds you were trying to hold in your chest. the black will always be there. no matter how hard you try, nothing will every shine forever. you're only salvation in this life, is yourself. be greedy. be selfish. do things for yourself and then think of others. you crawl out of a hole on your own. it should always be this way. you make your bed, and you must lay in it. most men spend days, even years, running in circles trying to impress a crowd of unknown critics but to no avail. the side show of hopeless romantics, balance feverishly on the line of infidelity, only to find they are truly not all one could hope for. this constant cycle is what keeps the world turning. the winners will always win and the losers will always lose. when there are riches to be had and made, there will also always be bottoms to hit. when species set themselves atop a pedestal, they tend to forget how they got there. whether by force, by intelligence, or just by sheer luck, they always seem to misplace their loyalties. growing up privileged shouldn't mean you have to always keep that silver (or gold) spoon in your own mouth. if one is capable of sharing, but doesn't, who is to blame? the person or the upbringing? guilt makes a man say he's sorry, blindness of heart makes a man crumble. approaching every situation with ease is no way to live your life. there is a belief that rings true with so many of simple minded human beings. you can scream and scream all you want, but if you're not saying anything worth listening to, then what's the point? if you want to stand for something, then stick with it. don't hop trends and jump on the cool bandwagon. do it for yourself. if it means looking different, then wear whatever article of clothing you feel. if it means acting different, then say what it is that's inside you. dance around in a grocery store, skip across an intersection. if you have the audacity to do what the masses deem popular, then you, yourself, are a sheep. never become a sheep to someone else's mind. remember, no matter who you think is cool, no matter who you aspire to be, those people are still going to sleep at night a person. they aren't a god, nor are they any different from you or i. fame isn't something that's only achievable by those who act, sing, or look cool. it's for anyone who is remembered for what they do and the impact they had on the ones they loved. chances are anyone who reads this will think i'm trying to change the world with this passage here. in reality, i'm simply going to sleep alone and i'm going to try and wake up tomorrow and fix the things i've ruined along the way. i am nothing special, i'm just a man, who's felt the insecurities of the harsh eye. lovers behave, the world needs more leaders. 

tempting

this building smells familiar. I've wandered these halls before. ran
my hand along the walls painted pale yellow. the rooms remind me of
regret and taste of old decisions. I like the sleep I've received
while staying the night. I came across a half vacant room. clothes
thrown on the floor and the bed precariously messed up. the odor that
fills the 4 walled place of temporary residence is one I know. is it
who I think it is? is this where it happened? I've searched for the
moment but never found solace in make believe fairy tales. the love
that was transfered between the most intimate of times tells a story
of lost cause. the time it takes to relive a memory only happens when
nothing else matters. staring into the eyes of some stranger reeks of
discontent. maybe it's the clothes she wears. maybe it's the way she
carried herself that makes me melt. I have feelings for someone that
isn't here. my mind drifts from want to need and back to want. this
twisting and turning has become the nightly routine for a broken
spirited, almost barely breathing shell I call my body. her scent has
me missing home. but where is home? the usual shelter of her arms, our
bodies entwined for hours, even days or months, has seemed to
disappear. I did it. I've ruined a good thing with my bad intentions.
I left for the world but my whole world was already in front of me.
all I had, my only glimmer of hope, I turned it into my worst enemy.
she hates me. I still wander these halls, still in love with a ghost.
I'm haunted by a closed chapter of the book I never wanted to put
down. wishful words muttered to an empty room remind me that I am
alone. I will be always be alone. this building smells familiar, it's
cold and it's where I rest my head at night. this sadness is
overwhelming.

one hundred

i know you don't know but this is my 100th post.

this post will be dedicated to the things i feel like listing.

the list:

random

1.) being on tour makes me feel like i have a purpose.

2.) having people that really care about me.

3.) knowing that i am capable of taking care of myself and occasionally the ones around me.

4.) living my life.

feelings

a.) miss my dogs

b.) miss home

c.) miss certain people

things that are keeping me sane

1a.) sleep alone

1b.) the chicago bulls

1c.) the unbearable lightness of being

okay that's it

peace, i love and miss you.

this is what I signed up for...

so the tour started friday. the show was in delaware, and it was an
experience. the whole time I just felt so out of place. but soon I
realized that tour is tour and it's all the same when it's all broken
down. the dudes I'm with, I've known for years, so it's not that
awkward. lou, nick, mike, and will are the only band that somewhat
sticks out and is completely different. that's pretty hard to do
seeing as they are a pop punk band. after the show a fight happened.
it was gay. wanna be tough guys always wanna be tough, but they always
fail. we headed home to sleep at our respective houses. the next day
was at the championship in pa. I've been there before this so I knew
what to expect. saw a few dudes that I know through going there with
hardcore bands so it was a nice relief. the show was somewhat packed.
220ish kids, not bad at all. same performances, same reactions. drove
home afterwards. got home and woke up the next day to tale care of
some stuff with my family. alex called and said to come kick it after
I was done with my prior engagments, so I did. it was nice to see him
and hoodrack, duane, rifkin, and the mongos for a little. following
that I went to stay with a friends and all the stress that I was
feeling was gone so it was good. I'll update this frequently like
usual. peace, I love and miss you.

saddened

phantom planet's songs "always on my mind" and "by the bed" really just put in an unwelcomed mood. fuck. this sucks.

my life starting friday.

September 12th - October 5th
w/ The Years Gone By
9/12 - Wilmington, DE
9/13 - Lemoyne, PA
9/14 - Poughkeepsie, NY
9/15 - Off
9/16 - Eerie, PA
9/17 - Toledo, OH
9/18 - Aurora, IL
9/19 - Rockford, IL
9/20 - Milwaukee, WI
9/21 - Lacrosse, WI
9/22 - Minneapolis, MN
9/23 - Omaha, NE
9/24 - Colorado Springs, CO
9/25 - Fort Collins, CO
9/26 - Denver, CO
9/27 - Wichita, KS
9/28 - Tulsa, OK
9/29 - Joplin, MO
9/30 - St. Louis, MO
10/01 - Off
10/02 - Kettering, OH
10/03 - Howell, MI
10/04 - Pittsburgh, PA
10/05 - Berea, KY

October 9th - November 16th

w/ Trash Talk

October 12th - San Diego, CA @ Soma w/Every Time I Die

October 13th - Fresno, CA @ The Exit w/ Every Time I Die

October 14th - Sacramento, CA @ The Boardwalk w/ Every Time I Die

October 15th - Denver, CO @ Rock And Roll Grill

October 16th - Lincoln, NE @ Box Awesome

October 17th - Columbia, MO @ TBA

October 18th - Peoria, IL @ The Meeting House w/ Weekend Nachos and Harms Way

October 19th - Bloomington, IN @ Matts House

October 20th - Cleveland, OH @ Now That's Class

October 21st - New York City, NY @ Irving Plaza w/ Thursday, The Bronx, Torche (no A&O on this date)

October 22nd - Albany, NY @ The Landing Zone

October 23rd - Boston, MA TBA w/ New Lows

October 24th - Long Island, NY @ The Doghouse w/ New Lows

October 25th - TBA, NJ @ TBA w/ New Lows and War Hungry

October 26th - Brooklyn, NY @ TBA w/ War Hungry

October 27th - Baltimore, MD @ TBA w/ Bracewar and War Hungry

October 27th - Richmond, VA @ Alley Katz w/ Bracewar and War Hungry

October 28th - Johnson City, TN @ The Hideaway w/ Bracewar, Ruiner and FC5

October 29th - Raleigh, NC @ The Brewery w/ Bracewar

October 30th - Atlanta, GA @ The Shop w/ Bracewar, Ruiner and FC5

October 31st - Tallahassee, FL @ The Shed

November 1st - Miami, FL @ TBA

November 2nd - Tampa, FL @ Transistions

November 3rd - Mobile, AL @ American Legion Post 33

November 4th - Birmingham, AL @ TBA

November 5th - Memphis, TN @ TBA

November 6th - Tulsa, OK @ The Pinkeye

November 7th - Dallas, TX @ TBA

November 8th - Austin, TX (FUN FUN FUN FEST)

November 9th - Austin, TX (FUN FUN FUN FEST)

November 10th - Tucson, @ TBA

November 11th - San Diego, CA @ The Che Cafe w/ Rotting Out and Down Again

November 12th - Riverside, CA @ The Paroahs Den w/ Violation and Rotting Out

November 13th - Santa Barbara, CA @ TBA w/ Violation and Rotting Out

November 14th - Oakland, CA @ TBA w/ Sabertooth Zombie, Never Healed, Skin Like Iron and Violation

this is all just what's supposed to happen.

anything can happen

i love you all

love me back

sad.

the devil and i

see eye to eye

my fears are all he hears

he takes my secrets

and turns them to lies

my intentions

were that of dissection

but grabbing a hold

of hands with holes

i only found rejection

my, my, my

it hurts to watch my love die.

cowards are my friends

and life always tends

to keep changing it's face

but you'll never go 

where you've never been

my breakdown was treated

and i thought that i beat it

i came to find out

you were the only thing 

that i needed

bye, bye, bye

it's hurts to watch my love die.

my ladylove

Do you remember me 
How could you forget 
It rained silver coins 
the night we met

truth

so as of recent i've been doing some things that have occupied my time. first i went to the ceremony show in edison on the 30th and that was a good time. it was nice to kick it with some homies from across the country. i was only really there to see them, so the other bands didn't really matter to be honest. mother of mercy were good. they are the homies, too. afterwards, i went with cox to the grease trucks and met up with dave and alan and plenty of others. i really don't remember who exactly was there. i know ray was and manny was but that was about it. we stayed there awhile and just spoke and hung out and were just being whatever. after the whole grease truck thing went down i decided to walk from there to where i'd be staying. beartrap and dan were at silvana's kickin it so i decided to swing through but was really tired so i wasn't in the mood to party all night long. so i got there, showered, changed, and tried to pass out on the couch but that wasn't happening. after awhile i just couldn't take it and up and left. aaron v came and picked me up and i went back to his place and slept on the futon. i woke up the next day and did nothing. aaron went to baltimore with beartrap for their show, so i was left to just veg out at his house until i found a ride. well that ride never came through and i was stuck trying to figure out what to do. eventually, i got a hold of silvana and she agreed to pick me up and hang out. it was nice of her to do so, seeing as she has school and a lot of things on her plate but i appreciated it none the less. we watched tv (law and order) and ate some food she cooked up. i decided to stay the night and then passed out while watching hero. great movie, i'm a sucker for anything martial arts related. the next day, i woke up and helped out with all the things she needed help with. hanging posters, folding clothes, moving little things, making the bed, you know all the little things. eventually, i got a ride to where my ride home was and that was that. since then, i've been home, just hanging out doing shit around the house. just waiting for the next tour to happen. it looks like i'll be leaving september 12th to october 7th with the years gone by for their rise records tour. in a way, i'm not really looking forward to this because of who the tour is with but i'll take it in stride. then as soon as i get home, i will be leaving on october 9th/10th till november 15th for the trash talk full u.s. tour with alpha and omega. that should a good time because of all the strange things that will go down on it. first couple shows with every time i die, then a new york city showcase with thursday, just a strange thought of those things happening. also, one of the shows in on my birthday, in my home state, which means i'll be having a birthday show and possibly a party for the first time in my life. it's awesome but who knows what it will hold. regardless of all this happening, i'm still kind of bummed i can't be home more. i want to stay here for more reasons then anyone knows but it's not in the cards. i've made this bed, so now instead of running, i'm gonna sleep in it. my choices have never been ones of intelligence but i'm willing to start concentrating on myself instead of worrying what other people are saying. a lot of people say a lot of things about me, but one person can't please everyone. i've always said, i've earned my respect by just being me and being real, i can't say that for a good amount of people i know now a days. well until next thursday i probably won't update this, but then again i doubt anyone even reads this honestly. alright, goodbye.