guess what?

she likes me.

nyc weekend = perfect

having someone new in my life = perfect

things looking up = perfect

anything bringing me down = not likely

in with the new, out with old.

one man's trash is another man's treasure. hahha

okay bye.

recap.

went to my aunt's, hung out, then came home.

opened a few cards and got jeans from my mom.

woke up the next day ate food and went to my cousins.

got to see my new best friend, faith.

after that came home and somehow ended up like this,

wow.

what an unreal week. i can't even begin to explain it.

most of the time it was spent doing absolutely nothing and i loved every single moment of it.

i can't even begin to describe what is going through my head.

i should've just opened my eyes. she's awesome.

that's an understatement honestly. 

i'm not worrying about it right now.

when the time is right, i'll scream it from the highest mountain and everyone will know.

until then, only cox will have an idea of what i'm talking about. hahaah.

yea besides that, things are looking pretty good right now.

playing bass for a&o at the end of january.

short east coast run with tt/europe with tt in february. 

sxsw in march with either tt or a&o.

possible full us with a&o playing bass in march as well.

who knows things are looking pretty good.

possible warped tour, and other big things going down.

for once i'm actually in love with where i'm at.

i've copped some feelings. it's cool.

until next time, peace i love and miss you.

update.

it's been so long since i've said anything this real.

but i think i might have found the girl of my dreams.

speechless.

i've been keeping busy as much as possible.

trying to make things happen for myself.

it's so hard to rely on and trust other people, especially those who say they are there for you.

people who have to say they are friends, aren't truly friends.

if you have to try something as simple as friendship, then it will never work.

this was bound to happen but i think it's a blessing in disguise.

spoken clearly, i was taken advantage of, but no more.

peace, i love and miss you.

much needed vacation

What else in this room reminds me of you?
The windowsill with a crucified pit of an avocado still sits in water.
What else in this room reminds me of the relationship I've ruined.
The tables I made strong enough to hold your magazines,
But not your tired legs.
One more week in this apartment,
One more week of being haunted by the ghost of what should have been.
What else in this fucking empty room reminds me of fucking you?
An orphaned couch where I spent some long nights
While you went out with our friends.
What I wouldn't do to be a ghost like you, to be somewhere new.
To leave everything,
The way you left everything that reminded you of me.
One more week in this apartment, one more week of being haunted.

FUTURE PLANS

DECEMBER: 

beach house painting. 

xmas party at my sisters. 

texas for a vacation. 

xmas.  

JANUARY: 

new years. 

tour with alpha & omega, internal affairs, cruel hand  

FEBRUARY: 

california for a brief time possible 

tour home with valencia  

the rest is still up in the air but i'm feeling confident that things will work out for the best.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my friend JP posted an article type thing i wrote for his zine in his blog.

so go check it out if you have some time.

faceupcollective.blogspot.com

Life On The Road

November Never Remembers

love comes and loves goes, the tug-a-war i play with her is beginning to seem like a losing battle. words no longer matter. actions no longer matter. being alone and out on the road has become my daily ritual. i've learned to accept it and live with it. one day it will pay off big time and i'll be happy in the long run. i thought coming home would make me happy this time around but the same shit happens endlessly and i'm back where i started. no one really misses another and there are no winners in this life. the city for the shitty. quote me now and never forget, "things are golden, even if you can't see past the silver lining."

the many opportunities

there are so many things coming up for me.

so many things are gonna take place.

you don't even know

i won't even know until they're happening.

i'm so happy.

are you happy?

yippy skippy

fly me away to a far away land.

check in with me soon and i'll let you know all the possibilities that are approaching.

bye for now, i love you.

it's been a long road

so I've been out since september 10th and it's now the middle of
november. that's a real thing to comprehend. it's been a long road and
one I've traveled before but for some reason I feel good about this
one. burned a lot of bridges that didn't need to stand. I feel good
this time around. I'm not relying on anyone in particular and I'm
doing things for myself. I've disappointed plenty of people in the
past and I'm through with that. I realize I fucked up a lot of good
things but if I can't look back and learn (and laugh) then I'm missing
something. met some awesome people along the way. some people are just
genuine, good people and I like that. I'm not that close to normal but
being accepted for who I am by ones who aren't like me is a somewhat
good feeling. bringing home that dough is nice but it's not
everything. life experiences are far greater then money. going to
alaska, seeing land marks, and visiting things like the alamo, the
grand canyon, and the pacific coast on a constant basis is unreal. I
might be delaying real life right now but I know once I get into the
swing of that I'll hit it head on. on another subject, I really miss
somebody but it's a lose-lose situation for myself. I have my reasons
and in my head they all make sense. it's only 11 days til I'm home for
awhile through the new year. this might be the last post I do til I'm
home.

til then, I love you
peace

been a minute

despite popular beliefs, I am not what you think I am. I'm far more
superior to the ones that surround you. my stare is deeper and darker.
my strength is unmatched and there is no rival. my ambition will not
be detered like all the rest. my rise to the top was self made and my
fall will be self inflicted. I regret nothing of my past and all the
bridges I burnt were all connected to roads I don't wish to travel.
have I arrived to a place where all things are mine for the taking?
the wind blows, the earth turns, you still wake up every morning and
so should I. the life you lead is yours to keep, the life I own was
once fragile and weak. the tides have changed, the oceans favor me now.

the best

from lincoln, ne to columbia, mo is what we're doing right now. it's
become somewhat of daily thing to be travelling. for some reason this
feels normal. I almost hate that this has become all I know but I love
music and I'm with some of my best friends. I miss those who I've left
in new jersey but if they don't understand then they don't truely know
me. my birthday is on the 25th and it just so happens that the nj show
is on that day as well. I'm excited about it. all my close friends
bands are playing it and all the bands get to meet some of my family.
it will be good times all around. good vibes all around. I'll be home
on the 21st for the day then back out the 22nd or so who knows. also
at the end of this tour, right before thanksgiving, I'm headed to
alaska. that's pretty wild. mad snow, eskimos, reindeer, igloos, and
all that jazz.

til later, I love and miss you.

final

i am the wave of razors, crashing into your sea of skin

the grey cloud overhead brings a smile

this overwhelming feeling makes way for the pins and needles

settle down, settle this down

uninterested eyes focus on easy targets

touch the sweetest cheek

fall victim to infatuation 

settle now, settle with me now

cancer of the heart

love cannot be a disease

after all the breakdowns and early a.m. fights

i find myself wanting to crawl back into your arms

there is no shame in the intimate

lovers who are fighters

live to be forgotten, but die a sultry death

birds on a line, resting their tired wings

i'm laying in the grass, resting my weary bones

take away my blood, and my body will still function

i run off hopes and dreams

the books i've read and studied, the finest

the body i have touched and studied, the finest

you're the walking dictionary of mind and beauty

the greatest achievement in a lesser human being such as myself

i tried to hold on

afraid the world would know of my secret

but my arms grew weak and i couldn't hold on

i couldn't hold you

now i sit and wait

for the day, she returns

and i'll take her in my grasp and never let her go

please, please come back.

right now

currently I'm sitting at gate b34 in the atlanta international
airport. I took another tour that requires me to fly to meet up with
them. it's gonna be a fun tour I think. good times with good friends.
it was real fun being on tour with the years gone by. the tour itself
wasn't the best shen it came to shows and money, but the good times
were had and the other dudes on the tour turned out to be awesome.
nothing serious happened. I collected a small family to keep me
company and I love em. they will accompany me for the first week and a
half on this next tour then they will placed into the arms of their
new temporary residence. who knows they might like it there and stay
but that's their decision. anyway i'm sure no one reads this anymore,
but who cares. I miss my friends, I miss my family, and I miss my bed,
but I'm doing good and I wouldn't have it any other way.

til next time, I love and miss you.

straight forward

nothing feels real anymore
I'm not taking my time anymore
to show you how I feel
to show you who I am
cause it's locked away

shimmer

you're foreign territory to me now. to sit and watch you dance the
sweetest waltz, is a thorn in my side. the throne you've been
presented doesn't look to be crumbling yet. these hands you used to
hold are now cold with indifference. stay and wait for my moment or
turn and leave? the chances I've had and used don't seem to sing my
praises. the choir of rejection stands atop the highest mountain in my
mind and belts out a constant ballad. no need to sing along, I've
heard this song too many times to want to join in. my eyes are only
tormented, with pictures and postcards. it's with or without me. a
motto you've settled upon. one I have to agree with, though it hurts
more then you know. growing distant from a burden puts your feet to
work. this running around to catch up to a half broken memory isn't
helping. it can't help. trying to tear down a wall you built makes
rain a welcomed friend. guard your heart, the business of stealing you
away from me is at an all time high. I used to hold you close, but now
I can only stare from afar.

it's was only a dream. i could have sworn it was reality. my senses were tingling and i was feeling every high, and more rapidly, every low. i awoke to find myself sleeping in an empty room. the clock reads 9:30. i've been sleeping for 3 days now? impossible. or is it? i don't remember her leaving. she must've slipped out the window while i drifted into dreamland. the problem with dreams is you never fully can experience them in your worldly life. it's just a portrait illustraited in your head. the blues will never be as blue as the water you sip from. the reds will never feel like the reds you were trying to hold in your chest. the black will always be there. no matter how hard you try, nothing will every shine forever. you're only salvation in this life, is yourself. be greedy. be selfish. do things for yourself and then think of others. you crawl out of a hole on your own. it should always be this way. you make your bed, and you must lay in it. most men spend days, even years, running in circles trying to impress a crowd of unknown critics but to no avail. the side show of hopeless romantics, balance feverishly on the line of infidelity, only to find they are truly not all one could hope for. this constant cycle is what keeps the world turning. the winners will always win and the losers will always lose. when there are riches to be had and made, there will also always be bottoms to hit. when species set themselves atop a pedestal, they tend to forget how they got there. whether by force, by intelligence, or just by sheer luck, they always seem to misplace their loyalties. growing up privileged shouldn't mean you have to always keep that silver (or gold) spoon in your own mouth. if one is capable of sharing, but doesn't, who is to blame? the person or the upbringing? guilt makes a man say he's sorry, blindness of heart makes a man crumble. approaching every situation with ease is no way to live your life. there is a belief that rings true with so many of simple minded human beings. you can scream and scream all you want, but if you're not saying anything worth listening to, then what's the point? if you want to stand for something, then stick with it. don't hop trends and jump on the cool bandwagon. do it for yourself. if it means looking different, then wear whatever article of clothing you feel. if it means acting different, then say what it is that's inside you. dance around in a grocery store, skip across an intersection. if you have the audacity to do what the masses deem popular, then you, yourself, are a sheep. never become a sheep to someone else's mind. remember, no matter who you think is cool, no matter who you aspire to be, those people are still going to sleep at night a person. they aren't a god, nor are they any different from you or i. fame isn't something that's only achievable by those who act, sing, or look cool. it's for anyone who is remembered for what they do and the impact they had on the ones they loved. chances are anyone who reads this will think i'm trying to change the world with this passage here. in reality, i'm simply going to sleep alone and i'm going to try and wake up tomorrow and fix the things i've ruined along the way. i am nothing special, i'm just a man, who's felt the insecurities of the harsh eye. lovers behave, the world needs more leaders. 

tempting

this building smells familiar. I've wandered these halls before. ran
my hand along the walls painted pale yellow. the rooms remind me of
regret and taste of old decisions. I like the sleep I've received
while staying the night. I came across a half vacant room. clothes
thrown on the floor and the bed precariously messed up. the odor that
fills the 4 walled place of temporary residence is one I know. is it
who I think it is? is this where it happened? I've searched for the
moment but never found solace in make believe fairy tales. the love
that was transfered between the most intimate of times tells a story
of lost cause. the time it takes to relive a memory only happens when
nothing else matters. staring into the eyes of some stranger reeks of
discontent. maybe it's the clothes she wears. maybe it's the way she
carried herself that makes me melt. I have feelings for someone that
isn't here. my mind drifts from want to need and back to want. this
twisting and turning has become the nightly routine for a broken
spirited, almost barely breathing shell I call my body. her scent has
me missing home. but where is home? the usual shelter of her arms, our
bodies entwined for hours, even days or months, has seemed to
disappear. I did it. I've ruined a good thing with my bad intentions.
I left for the world but my whole world was already in front of me.
all I had, my only glimmer of hope, I turned it into my worst enemy.
she hates me. I still wander these halls, still in love with a ghost.
I'm haunted by a closed chapter of the book I never wanted to put
down. wishful words muttered to an empty room remind me that I am
alone. I will be always be alone. this building smells familiar, it's
cold and it's where I rest my head at night. this sadness is
overwhelming.

one hundred

i know you don't know but this is my 100th post.

this post will be dedicated to the things i feel like listing.

the list:

random

1.) being on tour makes me feel like i have a purpose.

2.) having people that really care about me.

3.) knowing that i am capable of taking care of myself and occasionally the ones around me.

4.) living my life.

feelings

a.) miss my dogs

b.) miss home

c.) miss certain people

things that are keeping me sane

1a.) sleep alone

1b.) the chicago bulls

1c.) the unbearable lightness of being

okay that's it

peace, i love and miss you.

this is what I signed up for...

so the tour started friday. the show was in delaware, and it was an
experience. the whole time I just felt so out of place. but soon I
realized that tour is tour and it's all the same when it's all broken
down. the dudes I'm with, I've known for years, so it's not that
awkward. lou, nick, mike, and will are the only band that somewhat
sticks out and is completely different. that's pretty hard to do
seeing as they are a pop punk band. after the show a fight happened.
it was gay. wanna be tough guys always wanna be tough, but they always
fail. we headed home to sleep at our respective houses. the next day
was at the championship in pa. I've been there before this so I knew
what to expect. saw a few dudes that I know through going there with
hardcore bands so it was a nice relief. the show was somewhat packed.
220ish kids, not bad at all. same performances, same reactions. drove
home afterwards. got home and woke up the next day to tale care of
some stuff with my family. alex called and said to come kick it after
I was done with my prior engagments, so I did. it was nice to see him
and hoodrack, duane, rifkin, and the mongos for a little. following
that I went to stay with a friends and all the stress that I was
feeling was gone so it was good. I'll update this frequently like
usual. peace, I love and miss you.

saddened

phantom planet's songs "always on my mind" and "by the bed" really just put in an unwelcomed mood. fuck. this sucks.

my life starting friday.

September 12th - October 5th
w/ The Years Gone By
9/12 - Wilmington, DE
9/13 - Lemoyne, PA
9/14 - Poughkeepsie, NY
9/15 - Off
9/16 - Eerie, PA
9/17 - Toledo, OH
9/18 - Aurora, IL
9/19 - Rockford, IL
9/20 - Milwaukee, WI
9/21 - Lacrosse, WI
9/22 - Minneapolis, MN
9/23 - Omaha, NE
9/24 - Colorado Springs, CO
9/25 - Fort Collins, CO
9/26 - Denver, CO
9/27 - Wichita, KS
9/28 - Tulsa, OK
9/29 - Joplin, MO
9/30 - St. Louis, MO
10/01 - Off
10/02 - Kettering, OH
10/03 - Howell, MI
10/04 - Pittsburgh, PA
10/05 - Berea, KY

October 9th - November 16th

w/ Trash Talk

October 12th - San Diego, CA @ Soma w/Every Time I Die

October 13th - Fresno, CA @ The Exit w/ Every Time I Die

October 14th - Sacramento, CA @ The Boardwalk w/ Every Time I Die

October 15th - Denver, CO @ Rock And Roll Grill

October 16th - Lincoln, NE @ Box Awesome

October 17th - Columbia, MO @ TBA

October 18th - Peoria, IL @ The Meeting House w/ Weekend Nachos and Harms Way

October 19th - Bloomington, IN @ Matts House

October 20th - Cleveland, OH @ Now That's Class

October 21st - New York City, NY @ Irving Plaza w/ Thursday, The Bronx, Torche (no A&O on this date)

October 22nd - Albany, NY @ The Landing Zone

October 23rd - Boston, MA TBA w/ New Lows

October 24th - Long Island, NY @ The Doghouse w/ New Lows

October 25th - TBA, NJ @ TBA w/ New Lows and War Hungry

October 26th - Brooklyn, NY @ TBA w/ War Hungry

October 27th - Baltimore, MD @ TBA w/ Bracewar and War Hungry

October 27th - Richmond, VA @ Alley Katz w/ Bracewar and War Hungry

October 28th - Johnson City, TN @ The Hideaway w/ Bracewar, Ruiner and FC5

October 29th - Raleigh, NC @ The Brewery w/ Bracewar

October 30th - Atlanta, GA @ The Shop w/ Bracewar, Ruiner and FC5

October 31st - Tallahassee, FL @ The Shed

November 1st - Miami, FL @ TBA

November 2nd - Tampa, FL @ Transistions

November 3rd - Mobile, AL @ American Legion Post 33

November 4th - Birmingham, AL @ TBA

November 5th - Memphis, TN @ TBA

November 6th - Tulsa, OK @ The Pinkeye

November 7th - Dallas, TX @ TBA

November 8th - Austin, TX (FUN FUN FUN FEST)

November 9th - Austin, TX (FUN FUN FUN FEST)

November 10th - Tucson, @ TBA

November 11th - San Diego, CA @ The Che Cafe w/ Rotting Out and Down Again

November 12th - Riverside, CA @ The Paroahs Den w/ Violation and Rotting Out

November 13th - Santa Barbara, CA @ TBA w/ Violation and Rotting Out

November 14th - Oakland, CA @ TBA w/ Sabertooth Zombie, Never Healed, Skin Like Iron and Violation

this is all just what's supposed to happen.

anything can happen

i love you all

love me back

sad.

the devil and i

see eye to eye

my fears are all he hears

he takes my secrets

and turns them to lies

my intentions

were that of dissection

but grabbing a hold

of hands with holes

i only found rejection

my, my, my

it hurts to watch my love die.

cowards are my friends

and life always tends

to keep changing it's face

but you'll never go 

where you've never been

my breakdown was treated

and i thought that i beat it

i came to find out

you were the only thing 

that i needed

bye, bye, bye

it's hurts to watch my love die.

my ladylove

Do you remember me 
How could you forget 
It rained silver coins 
the night we met

truth

so as of recent i've been doing some things that have occupied my time. first i went to the ceremony show in edison on the 30th and that was a good time. it was nice to kick it with some homies from across the country. i was only really there to see them, so the other bands didn't really matter to be honest. mother of mercy were good. they are the homies, too. afterwards, i went with cox to the grease trucks and met up with dave and alan and plenty of others. i really don't remember who exactly was there. i know ray was and manny was but that was about it. we stayed there awhile and just spoke and hung out and were just being whatever. after the whole grease truck thing went down i decided to walk from there to where i'd be staying. beartrap and dan were at silvana's kickin it so i decided to swing through but was really tired so i wasn't in the mood to party all night long. so i got there, showered, changed, and tried to pass out on the couch but that wasn't happening. after awhile i just couldn't take it and up and left. aaron v came and picked me up and i went back to his place and slept on the futon. i woke up the next day and did nothing. aaron went to baltimore with beartrap for their show, so i was left to just veg out at his house until i found a ride. well that ride never came through and i was stuck trying to figure out what to do. eventually, i got a hold of silvana and she agreed to pick me up and hang out. it was nice of her to do so, seeing as she has school and a lot of things on her plate but i appreciated it none the less. we watched tv (law and order) and ate some food she cooked up. i decided to stay the night and then passed out while watching hero. great movie, i'm a sucker for anything martial arts related. the next day, i woke up and helped out with all the things she needed help with. hanging posters, folding clothes, moving little things, making the bed, you know all the little things. eventually, i got a ride to where my ride home was and that was that. since then, i've been home, just hanging out doing shit around the house. just waiting for the next tour to happen. it looks like i'll be leaving september 12th to october 7th with the years gone by for their rise records tour. in a way, i'm not really looking forward to this because of who the tour is with but i'll take it in stride. then as soon as i get home, i will be leaving on october 9th/10th till november 15th for the trash talk full u.s. tour with alpha and omega. that should a good time because of all the strange things that will go down on it. first couple shows with every time i die, then a new york city showcase with thursday, just a strange thought of those things happening. also, one of the shows in on my birthday, in my home state, which means i'll be having a birthday show and possibly a party for the first time in my life. it's awesome but who knows what it will hold. regardless of all this happening, i'm still kind of bummed i can't be home more. i want to stay here for more reasons then anyone knows but it's not in the cards. i've made this bed, so now instead of running, i'm gonna sleep in it. my choices have never been ones of intelligence but i'm willing to start concentrating on myself instead of worrying what other people are saying. a lot of people say a lot of things about me, but one person can't please everyone. i've always said, i've earned my respect by just being me and being real, i can't say that for a good amount of people i know now a days. well until next thursday i probably won't update this, but then again i doubt anyone even reads this honestly. alright, goodbye.

an awkward moment for me

with ease I held my tongue and turned away. my face not frozen with
denial, but calm because truth sets the soul in place. if existing
only consisted of waking up, then I have played a terrible role in
enjoying life. my torments are that of a unsound human. I twist and
turn do to lack of sleep. my thoughts are no longer my own. they are
no one's at all. a wish? I never had one. a dream? I never remember
them. I am searching for something that doesn't want to be found. you
beg for forgiveness, while I beg to be forgotten. if finding the
answers means changing to fit other peoples views, then I'll forever
question. don't act like you know me, because I barely even know myself.

words, just words.

i am the sum total of everything that went before me, 

of all that i have seen done, 

of everything done to me.

i am everyone,

everything whose being in the world affected 

and was affected by mine..

to understand me, you have to swallow a world.

updates, updates, updates.

this was one of the best moments of my life.

watching two of my favorite players of all time, go head to head for that brief moment in time.

the memories will last a lifetime.

onto other things.

let's see, where to begin.

september 12th - october 7th: tour managing the years gone by for the rise records tour.

should be interesting, seeing as the bands involved and new experiences.

going into it with an open mind and such.

then

october 7th - october 9th: home for those two days.

trying to spend as much time with the ones who matter the most.

i'm not naming names, because well, i don't know who will be around or who i will even be friends with.

then

october 9th/10th - november 14th/15th: trash talk full us tour.

first couple dates are with every time i die. that should be interesting.

the whole tour is with alpha and omega. they are a good band and should be fun to watch.

we also are playing a CMJ showcase of some sorts in new york. more details when they come in.

gonna be playing gigs with war hungry, new lows, and bracewar.

gonna be a good time to be had.

november 19th - november 22nd: getting flown to alaska for two shows.

fly in, hang out.

next day play show.

next day play show.

next show fly back.

sounds like a great time to me.

after that the routing is uncertain with me.

i'm not sure where life will take me.

maybe it will take me into her arms or maybe i'll be tossed around like a little puppet.

i need to find direction in life.

or at least something to miss and look forward to seeing.

when all the dates get posted, they will be posted in here.

until then, peace i love you

more words

sleep isn't sleep, unless it's next to you. 

waking up to a new day only happens, when it's next to you. 

when it's dark, where do you go? 

when you return, please let me know.

it's a constant contest

of who marches fastest

where the losers always win

and the winners never finish

sun up, faces open

looking out a window into the ever changing world

growing older with every passing day

who saves the savior?

public voices parading around rumors

just to bring down false foundations 

build your defenses

and befriend your enemies

make nice with war

but remember their names

i've created a solace for you

shiny sidewalks and i wish you well

keep walking that line to luxury

can i have you to myself?

words for dave

do you see the pain that stays

hidden in canyons on my face

an empty void that i've held with care

you were there but you weren't there

tell me is it meant to work

and prove that this life has worth

 

there's hope in the loneliest times

and lies within trust

hands out stretched for warmth

have only turned gold to dust

and love to lust

wrap me up in you

and hold me close

i've strayed too far from comfort

build us a wall

that keeps out insecurities

cause i'd rather be with you 

then alone with them

you opened up a feeling

that i didn't know existed

you bandaged my wounds

caressed my bruises and away you kiss it

pleased to meet you

the pleasure is mine

in time, this place will tear us apart

and the mark we made will disappear from their minds

here dave

do what you will

have times changed?

you still come to bed
in my head
when all things lovely only hurt my head
I can't look at myself the same
with all my mistakes
a miserable shell with nothing but a name
this skin
I live in
is only a place to hide
fairly responsible
for all my deeds
am I dead or just not alive?
we've grown weak
from this war beneath the sheets
and all our pride stripped away
you took advantage of the place I sleep

too much stress

and I haven't even thought of killing myself, in almost 5 months.

that weekend was great.

reading the comments on this video make me realize that people suck.

some people are just scared.

that's pretty much it.

updating the world.

things have been pretty cool.

hung out with war hungry and ceremony tonight.

i really needed that.

i miss the dudes from war hungry after doing the tour with them.

hoodrack, mook, alex, ian, and alex have all become close friends of mine.

i had a good time just talking and hanging out and being normal. or at least my version of normal was cool to experience for a night. 

it was also really nice to see ceremony. i hadn't seen those dudes since sound and fury and it was nice to catch up with them about their tour and the upcoming ones they got going. 

overall it was just refreshing to be in a room of people i call friends and feel at home.

things in my life have been a little hectic as of recent.

i've got some things to work out and get straight and then i'll be on a path of discovering where i'm going from here. 

i'm kind of bummed i never got my passport and that i'm not going to europe for the trash talk/paint it black tour this september, but i guess it's a good things.

it gives me time to get some shit together.

time to get my head straight.

time to fix things with her. (got off to a sour note)

time to make things work with other things.

and just a little more time to just have time to relax.

a lot of new things popped up recently that require my attention.

some make me happy and other make me stressed but that's life.

i'm happy. 

so to whomever is reading this, i hope you're happy too.

that's it for me.

peace, i love you.

ahhhh the memories

if you don't remember this song, you suck.

this was hilarious when it dropped,

and now it's even funnier to watch and listen to.

ENJOY!

losing streak continues

ANTHONY GREEN performing "She Loves Me So”

hiya pal

PAPER RIVAL - Cassandra

the feeling is mutual

a good day

SAM SPARRO "Black and Gold"

true story

Mariah Carey Always Be My Baby

present day

had a girlfriend

replaced her with him.

: )

i still love you, but i don't love you.

i still need you, but i don't need you.

all my time is spent thinking of you,

but no longer, no longer.

not any longer.

the porch light is on

cause if you're not really here,

then i don't want to be either.

i wanna be next to you.

black and gold

black and gold

yea taking a break

since tour is ending tomorrow this will probably be the last post in quite a while. i won't be frequently updating as much. i might still write in this but it just doesn't really have the feeling as it did when i have something to type about everyday. so with that being said i'll leave you with a mix of songs i put together for anyone who reads this to enjoy. they are probably nothing you'd expect me to post but it's what i love and i'll share it with you. so here's the list of tracks included and the download link. tell me what you think of it. maybe i'll make more.

01. Anthony Green - She Loves Me So

02. City And Colour -  I Don't Need to Know

03. Ace Enders - Red Eye

04. Neva Dinova - No One Loves Me

05. Coconut Records - It's Not You, It's Me

06. She & Him - You Really Got A Hold On Me

07.  Owen - A Bird In Hand

08. Billie Holiday - Love Me or Leave Me

09. I Am The Avalanche - Wasted

10. Dustin Kensrue - I Knew You Before

11. Cat Power - Maybe Not

12. Minus the Bear - White Mystery

13. Doreen Painchaud - Track 2

http://www.mediafire.com/?djacayttzdv

that's it for now.

peace, i love you.

5:31am

maybe,
you're gonna be the one that saves me

to a point

this explains my life?

today

todays drive is 12 hours. the movies I'm watching are hancock, hellboy
2 (again), wanted and wall-e. it should be an exciting ride. okay,
thats it. peace, I love you.

a quick update

sitting for the past 3 days in austin, texas is pretty cool. we've been doing nothing at all and it's been awesome. i've been playing ncaa09 against alex and we're tied 2-2. we went to some swimming hole and swam for a while before going to some restaurant. this tour has been great so far. i met ian of lion of judah and he's probably one of the funniest dudes i've met in a long time. hoodrack is great to be around cause he's kinda like me, into having a good time but also chills out when it's necessary.  we have 5 more days of this tour til i'm home and i don't know exactly what i'm doing. there's some opportunities for me that have come up and i might take some of them into consideration. we all make mistakes and we all say we're sorry, but when does one actually say and do the right thing. i've come to a crossroad in my life. and i'm happy right now. truly, i am. i know things will get better because right now not everything is peachy keen. let me say, i'm proud of the things i call my own, but a lot of it has to go. i'll be in philadelphia on the 10th or 11th and need a ride home, if anyone can help me out with that it would be greatly appreciated. i'll love you forever. thanks. that's it for now. peace, i love you.

SOUND AND FURY

this is how my sound and fury looked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI6IO8rJvro

wait til the end and you'll see what i'm talking about.

today

stayed at joes house ive seen him a lot the past week. hung out and
was really for a little bit then decided to go to the mall to kill
some time. I got a new pair if shoes because I completely ruined my
black vans while playing and beating alex and ian in a 2 on 2 game
with my teammate gary from violation. yea but I came across this
little guy in the mall and it made me miss dwid a lot and the other
little guy I got waiting for me to come home. times are alright but
they aren't too stable but its whatever. life is complicated but I
won't stop trying to figure it out. peace, I love you.

umm

I can't trust myself with anything I miss.

I used to love her

its been 4 years of on and off dating for me. now the old me would
curse her name and use everything within me to hate her as much as
possible but not this time. this time it is over and the reasons were
stated and the verdict is unchangable. I'm not upset actually, I had
some really good times. waking up to someone after hard days and rough
nights. being able to tell someone my deepest fears and share with
them my highest highs. not everyone can say they spent a majority of
time with a genuine human being they cared about and wasnt faking it.
from room mates to seeing each other every other week to not seeing
one another for a month or two, we stuck it out. we did what some
people can't do for more then a week or so. I'm not a player or
someone who thinks highly of themselves, shit I think out of everyone
I know I have the worst self confidence but who wouldve guessed. I
cared about her. I really did legitimately think about her 24/7 but I
never showed it. yes I spoke such pretty words but I never followed
through. what I had for 4 years I wouldn't trade for anything in the
world. it tought me lessons about life, love, it even tought me things
about myself. in the past, I wouldn't know what to do with myself I'd
clam up and sit in my room and not have any clue what to do but no
more do I feel like that. I feel like she made the right decision to
leave and set herself fee of me. I'm glad she is somewhere right now
living her life, doing her thing and having fun. its funny the things
you put so much time into preparing for the future are the things that
dont need nursing to begin with. we were mending emotional scars and
wounds that shouldve never been touched after the initial injury. I
take 99% of the blame for all the things that went wrong. if I wasnt
so thick headed or stubborn a lot of things couldve easily been
avoided. but the past is the past and those who dwell on the past only
run the risk of repeating it. so here I am, almost a year into on and
off touring and this is what I love to do. I love music and everything
about it. one day, I'll get things right, I'll find you. I have spent
the past 4 years learning about love and how true it can be and how
poisoness it can become. I thought I couldn't live a day without her
but I was wrong. everyday when I wake up I'm on my own, by myself, in
a world where a lot of people care about me. so, to silvana ostafi,
I'm sorry and thank you. I dont think anything else needs to be said.
when I get home its back to the daily grind.

update

still in san fransico with a day off today. we're either going to an
oakland a's game or going to the movies. either way its good times.
this tour will be fun. lots of days off in awesome places so that
means fun. ive actually had a change of heart when it came to a bunch
of things in my life. I'm happy right now where I'm at. a good job
when I get home, possibly a place with 2 of my friends, things are
somewhat looking up. hey to anyone reading this, my number is still
the same, my screen name is still the same. get in touch I'm really
bored sometimes keep me company. : ) peace, I love you.

hi

in san fransico, hope all is well back home. peace, I love you.

last day of sound and fury

Spanish Bombs - Summer '05

the lyrics hit home

end of this tour

so the 15 hour drive was brutal but we did it and got to the show on
time. us and cold world pretty much arrived at the same time. we
loaded in our shit then proceeded to veg out cause we were all tired.
set up merch then watched trapped under ice play. they are doing
really well for themselves. its always good to see friends while out
on the road. after their set CDC played, boring next. trash talk
played next and it was alright nothing special but alright. after them
it was cold world. they did good I think everyone was just tired and
was just blehhhhh. bands played after that and then finally terror
played. it was kinda unreal to be able get up on stage and stand there
and watch scott vogel sing. I was kinda taken back but then I realized
he's just like me. he loves music and is all about what he loves.
thats something to respect. anyway after the show was over we loaded
up and I drove the 7 hours pretty much with garrett driving the last
20 minutes to joe harders house. we posted up and slept for a little
bit. woke up, hung around the house then eventually made our way to
the mongoloids show. it was nice to see alan and dave and joe and
rottmann and andrew. and all of them were happy to see me. the show
was alright but I couldve gone without it. went home after the show,
had aaron v sitting on my lap. got back started to pass out then got
the whole "you gotta put these records together. what did you think
you were gonna sleep." put the records together and passed out. woke
up and now sound and fury starts. I'll try to keep this updated who
knows. peace, I love you.

my days

are spent thinking, regretting, not caring, then caring, happy, sad,
content, hot, hurt, aching, internal fights, external calmnes. I think
the one thing that used to make me 100% happy has gone away and used
its method on another. because of that I take the high road and
celebrate that I'm still alive and breathing. thats all here's a
picture to look at. peace, I love you.

just checking in

right now I'm currently in the third row of seats in the van sitting
next to mook and hoodrack. we're doing a 15 hour drive from texas to
arizon to hop on a terror show. I guess its cool but who knows. after
that its a 7 hour drive to california and then we're at sound and
fury. after that I think I'm touring back home with war hungry. I know
how much you like war hungry do maybe I'll get you a shirt. alright
that's it. peace, I love you.

content

things are good I just had to wake up and smell the roses. text
messages and emails and all that jazz keep me feeling alive again. : )
I'm not someone who was given up on, yet I'm someone that was given a
second chance. I feel like my life might be coming together right now.
good paying job ( which if I dont say is long overdue) that I'll be
able to buy nice things for me and other important people. its calming
when things like this happen. best of luck to all, life's too short to
worry about the future and past. live for today. every minute of every
hour. someone still cares. I'm not alone, I never was. youre great.
thank you for being there, I promise when I get home you'll be
rewarded with gifts or taken out to dinner or something. I love
myself. I am not a bad person, I'm a catch and then some. glad I
finally realized that. til next time. peace, I love you (man it feels
good to say that).

in retrospect

> right now as we drive to denton, texas I find myself listening to
> down to nothing. I'm feeling a lot better since my mental breakdown
> took place. I realized that not all those who wander, are lost. I'm
> on a road headed somewhere, I just dont know where. this tour has
> established the fact in my head that ive made some good friends
> (hoodrack and all the dudes in the cold world van) and ive also
> realized that rashod, garrett, spencer and lee are some of my best
> friends. its a real breath of fresh air knowing that I can be myself
> and still have people enjoy my company. that means a lot to me
> seeing as I watch a lot of people act a certain way to impress
> others. if thats your cup of tea then keep drinking it. more power
> to you and the people you look up to. I just can't do that. ive only
> ever been myself and yea that may have caused some problems along
> the way but I can't change that sorry. I'm done being jaded. I'm
> done being a cock sucker for no reason. ive got a new outlook on
> these things. speaking earlier of listening to down to nothing, I
> really enjoy being straight edge. some people wanna run their mouth
> about me but none of that jibber jabber will ever be said to my
> face. youre not even corny, youre just pathetic for wasting your
> breath on something that holds no barren on you or your lifestyle.
> keep talking, it'll get you no where and nothing but a tired jaw and
> a cool rep with your cool friends. I'm not a hard person to find.
> call me up let's have a talk. anyway what I was trying to tall about
> was this tour is going good. great perhaps. I'm siked to be at sound
> and fury and be behind the ttc table. some good friends from back
> home are coming out and that is awesome to be hanging out with them
> on the west coast. another might make the trip but its highly
> unlikely. we'll see only time will tell. in conclusion, support war
> hungry, trash talk, cold world, the mongoloids, down to nothing,
> ceremony, sabertooth zombie, bitter end, iron boots, bracewar,
> letxdown, have heart, and iron age. all good bands and even better
> people. peace from the road, maybe I'll talk to you soon. peace, I
> love you.

bummer

there was talk about flying you out to sound and fury to come kick it
for the weekend. I even had 300 to put in as payment for a flight. the
thought of this right now kinda bums me out. it wouldve been fun
spending 3 days on the west coast doing our thing. oh well. : (

crisis

I'm seriously breaking down. in 23 years, I've compiled a list that
not one human being could possibly be proud of. if someone asked me
what I've done in those 23 years, not one positive thing would ne
muttered. no accomplishments have been achieved, no rewards have been
given, no respect has been garnered, all love has been lost, there is
nothing I can call my own. not one person can look me in the eyes and
say I mean something to them. I've fucked up every good chance I've
ever been presented with. my parents aren't very happy with the way
ive been living my life and I dont blame them. my motive used to be
push and push and push. push anyone away then push forward as if
nothing happened and them push against unmoveable walls. that is the
worst mindset to have. a person needs others to lean on. no one is
perfect and the shoulder to cry on isnt nessacarily only there to cry
on. sometimes you just need a temporary pillar to help hold up the
foundation you built called yourself. i am heartless. I'll admit it.
my emotions are that of a rock and its not something to feel good
about. people who have wasted countless amounts of time trying to help
me out of this situation ive put myself in have been pushed so far
away they are unreachable at this point. ive burned every bridge I
shouldve instead secured. in my world sorry doesnt go a long way but
maybe I should change that. it always seemed like I ran to people when
I wanted help but now who do I run to when I need help? where is home?
is home a place I rest my head or a house where I feel safe or a
person who makes me feel safe? all those questions have different
answers. I wish they all were the same. maybe I need to find a future.
maybe I need to cut my long hair and get an office job and just blend
in. some where no one knows my name. is there such thing as eternal
bond? I feel like I could kill anyone for a certain handful of people.
thats not a nice thing to say but I feel very strongly about that. I
want so badly to just be normal. have normal friendships, normal
relationships, but none of that is relavent seeing as those things
only go sour do to my own demise. ive never blamed others for my
mistakes, thats the easy way out. the problem ive always had was never
proving I was sorry and doing the right thing. I'm actually a terrible
human being is what it comes down to. I'm a bad friend, an even worse
boyfriend, and just a dickhead in general. I can't begin to describe
what's exactly running through my head. I doubt anyone cares or will
ever care. ive walked a long hard road toward ruins but I only have
myself to blame. I dont see a way out I dont see this getting any
better I dont know if it should. for anyone who reads this, this might
be the last time I write about this because if this keeps up I won't
be writing anything ever again. there are no pleas for help or an
outstretched hand waiting for someone to grab a hold of. its over.
said and done. there is no peace when the war is within. you won. you
always do.

the talking is real

owen's bird in hand and city and colour's hello I'm in delaware are
all I've been listening too. songs to describe how I've been feeling
this tour. caught up or foolish? you decide.

also

I'm currently watching hellboy 2 in the back of the van with
hoodrack. : )

the luck I have

last night we played atlanta, at the same place I had my accident
happen. it was somewhat of a mild manner night for me, but then again
the band told me I was doing the most. who knows. I can't say it was
crazy, I just know that there was nothing that really stuck out to me
as being that wild. the weather has been at an all time high. it
really sucks to say the least. I've made some good friends on this
tour. ethan, who usually plays drums for steel nation but is filling
in for cold world, helped me destroy a room filled with strange things
and random objects. he even encouraged me to climb a dry wall by
punching and kicking hand and foot holes. it was nuts. got garrett a
have heart wind breaker. he was really intoxicated and was giving me
this strange look the whole night like he did something that I didn't
know about. the temperature in the venue was really hot. I mean there
was condensation forming on the ceiling and walls. war hungry played 2
songs. kids enjoy them so hoodrack should recieve done praise on this
tour seeing as he fronts a great band. dan and me both wore durags
during the cold world set. it was a good time. the night hit its peak
when I climbed about 8 feet up onto a pa speaker and swan dived onto a
sing along part. after the show ended we packed up the gear and headed
to this kid neil's house. slept a good amount and then left his place.
we just got done eating chik-fil-a and we are starting our drive to
birmingham to cave 9. tonight hopefully is cool and then its 3 more
shows til we're at sound and fury. I currently miss my family,
especially my little sister and her asshole ways. I also miss you and
that's real but every day is a new day and every time I wake up I deal
with it. such is life. hope home is good for all those I care about.
for now the road is my home. I'll see you when I get home. peace, I
love you.