Wednesday, November 28, 2007
my favorite time is when it's 2:30am. pitch black outside and two feet in front of you is like staring into oblivion. so much can happen in darkness. i could touch you, you could touch me. you could become my ladylove and rescue me from eternal sadness. i like you in ways i cannot comprehend. my leaving is approaching and i find myself staring at either a computer screen or the telephone. i eagerly await the call. my patience has been tested and tasted. it's as if you already know that one look into my eyes and your soul is mine. i don't want your body. i don't want to quench my or your sexual desire. i want your mind. i want your soul. i want all that is building and raging inside to be thrust upon me in wild heats of rage. spew your vicious venoms. cast your stones and break me down. i've needed anyone but for you i'll make an exception. i don't want your future. i don't want your undying affection. i don't want your cash. i want you here and now. i want your problems. i want whatever you can give me and i'll savor each and every lash. i'm strong enough on my own, but with you i am but weak. it's the weak ones that fall in love. strong reputation, weak knee-ed. there's oncoming storm, and they are saying it's gonna rain. rain down on me, rain down. if i can't drown myself, maybe he'll do it for me. suffocate this pattern of thinking and make it impossible for me to think of anything negative. i want to free float and dwell in a world where my choices are not thought thoroughly through days or years before they happen. there is no light worth searching for, it has already been put out. the proverbial bright-side exists in dreams. the upside to murder is when someone dies, there is another to take it's place? bullshit. you're dying. i'm dying. what are you really a part of? let's break this down shall we. categorizing people is so black and white nowadays. you are either normal or strange/weird/the outcast. you fit in or you're the loner. in this huge world, people struggle everyday with their own existence. i find myself wondering what i belong to. do i belong to this earth? am i a product of dirt and lifeless substances? the world is made up of roughly 16.6% of water. our bodies are 72% water. do i belong to the ocean? am i just a creature who found it's way on land through trail and error and learn to survive out here on the dry land? am i scared? terrified is more like it. just staring at an old person gives me goosebumps. i yearn to be filled with wisdom. i embrace the process of aging. my deepest fear is growing old by myself and never having anyone to call my own. no one to share and pass on the gift of past experiences onto. 22 is half way to 44 and 44 is half way to 88. man, how time does fly. if you took every aspect of your life and put it into perspective, what would you be most proud of? for me, it's my unwillingness to change. i've matured, grown up, whatever you want to call it but i've never changed. some people evolve for the right reasons and more power to then, but it's the ones who do it right in front of you who crush you the most. you are forced to sit and watch them turn into something that is meaningless and has no value in your life anymore. then what? in my life, i've followed one simple rule, no matter the good, the bad, the ugly, i am on a juggernaut mission, i don't know where i'm going but i'm pushing forward, head down and determined on the prize. call it selfish, call is naive but in the end aren't we suppose to make oneself happy, or life has been a failure? perhaps it's my undeniable love for all things overlooked that makes me swoon. a body is all i'm after. i'm after knowledge. i'm chasing an impossible standard that runs the gamut inside my head. soft but loud. heavy but light enough to hold. broken but fixable. hollow yet full of life. these are my standards. absurd aren't they? it's as if i'm setting myself with a imaginable friend that doesn't want to know my name. i created you, yet you abandoned me? give me an inch, and i'll prove to you an inch is more then i ever needed. i could've worked with a centimeter. if you're worth it, i'll never stop. if the gut instinct says no, then what's the point? i'm not after the chase, i'm after the late night conversation, where i learn what your favorite movie was when you were a child. i'm not prying at what you're into when it comes to a guy. i want to know what kind of bike you got as a child. you're worth more then an evening spent between fabric. you deserve the world at your feet. the bearing of gifts, the sky should be pulled down and placed on your kitchen table. i want conquer the foothills of your mind. i want to dive head first into a pool of emotion and drown in the infinite that is your thoughts. if my mind tells me anything, it's that your smile can turn a bad day into something meant to remember. are you all i need? are you my one and only? that isn't important. what is important is that someone will be blessed with your presence and they would be a fool to let you go. god forbid, the day shall come where our path meet and we chose to walk hand in hand, i'll follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. i will care about your feelings. just have something in there. be still beating hearts. one day i'll have my chance. one day i'll make mom and dad proud. what do i have to lose now, life's an uphill fight till you find someone to love. then after that you spend the rest of your life falling down but at least you got someone there to pick you back up. with life, comes death. with love, come heartache. with questions, come more question. there is no such thing as universal peace. i believe in myself, one day i'll get the world to believe in me too.