Thursday, July 31, 2008

I used to love her

its been 4 years of on and off dating for me. now the old me would
curse her name and use everything within me to hate her as much as
possible but not this time. this time it is over and the reasons were
stated and the verdict is unchangable. I'm not upset actually, I had
some really good times. waking up to someone after hard days and rough
nights. being able to tell someone my deepest fears and share with
them my highest highs. not everyone can say they spent a majority of
time with a genuine human being they cared about and wasnt faking it.
from room mates to seeing each other every other week to not seeing
one another for a month or two, we stuck it out. we did what some
people can't do for more then a week or so. I'm not a player or
someone who thinks highly of themselves, shit I think out of everyone
I know I have the worst self confidence but who wouldve guessed. I
cared about her. I really did legitimately think about her 24/7 but I
never showed it. yes I spoke such pretty words but I never followed
through. what I had for 4 years I wouldn't trade for anything in the
world. it tought me lessons about life, love, it even tought me things
about myself. in the past, I wouldn't know what to do with myself I'd
clam up and sit in my room and not have any clue what to do but no
more do I feel like that. I feel like she made the right decision to
leave and set herself fee of me. I'm glad she is somewhere right now
living her life, doing her thing and having fun. its funny the things
you put so much time into preparing for the future are the things that
dont need nursing to begin with. we were mending emotional scars and
wounds that shouldve never been touched after the initial injury. I
take 99% of the blame for all the things that went wrong. if I wasnt
so thick headed or stubborn a lot of things couldve easily been
avoided. but the past is the past and those who dwell on the past only
run the risk of repeating it. so here I am, almost a year into on and
off touring and this is what I love to do. I love music and everything
about it. one day, I'll get things right, I'll find you. I have spent
the past 4 years learning about love and how true it can be and how
poisoness it can become. I thought I couldn't live a day without her
but I was wrong. everyday when I wake up I'm on my own, by myself, in
a world where a lot of people care about me. so, to silvana ostafi,
I'm sorry and thank you. I dont think anything else needs to be said.
when I get home its back to the daily grind.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


still in san fransico with a day off today. we're either going to an
oakland a's game or going to the movies. either way its good times.
this tour will be fun. lots of days off in awesome places so that
means fun. ive actually had a change of heart when it came to a bunch
of things in my life. I'm happy right now where I'm at. a good job
when I get home, possibly a place with 2 of my friends, things are
somewhat looking up. hey to anyone reading this, my number is still
the same, my screen name is still the same. get in touch I'm really
bored sometimes keep me company. : ) peace, I love you.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


in san fransico, hope all is well back home. peace, I love you.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

last day of sound and fury

Spanish Bombs - Summer '05

the lyrics hit home

Friday, July 25, 2008

end of this tour

so the 15 hour drive was brutal but we did it and got to the show on
time. us and cold world pretty much arrived at the same time. we
loaded in our shit then proceeded to veg out cause we were all tired.
set up merch then watched trapped under ice play. they are doing
really well for themselves. its always good to see friends while out
on the road. after their set CDC played, boring next. trash talk
played next and it was alright nothing special but alright. after them
it was cold world. they did good I think everyone was just tired and
was just blehhhhh. bands played after that and then finally terror
played. it was kinda unreal to be able get up on stage and stand there
and watch scott vogel sing. I was kinda taken back but then I realized
he's just like me. he loves music and is all about what he loves.
thats something to respect. anyway after the show was over we loaded
up and I drove the 7 hours pretty much with garrett driving the last
20 minutes to joe harders house. we posted up and slept for a little
bit. woke up, hung around the house then eventually made our way to
the mongoloids show. it was nice to see alan and dave and joe and
rottmann and andrew. and all of them were happy to see me. the show
was alright but I couldve gone without it. went home after the show,
had aaron v sitting on my lap. got back started to pass out then got
the whole "you gotta put these records together. what did you think
you were gonna sleep." put the records together and passed out. woke
up and now sound and fury starts. I'll try to keep this updated who
knows. peace, I love you.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

my days

are spent thinking, regretting, not caring, then caring, happy, sad,
content, hot, hurt, aching, internal fights, external calmnes. I think
the one thing that used to make me 100% happy has gone away and used
its method on another. because of that I take the high road and
celebrate that I'm still alive and breathing. thats all here's a
picture to look at. peace, I love you.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

just checking in

right now I'm currently in the third row of seats in the van sitting
next to mook and hoodrack. we're doing a 15 hour drive from texas to
arizon to hop on a terror show. I guess its cool but who knows. after
that its a 7 hour drive to california and then we're at sound and
fury. after that I think I'm touring back home with war hungry. I know
how much you like war hungry do maybe I'll get you a shirt. alright
that's it. peace, I love you.


things are good I just had to wake up and smell the roses. text
messages and emails and all that jazz keep me feeling alive again. : )
I'm not someone who was given up on, yet I'm someone that was given a
second chance. I feel like my life might be coming together right now.
good paying job ( which if I dont say is long overdue) that I'll be
able to buy nice things for me and other important people. its calming
when things like this happen. best of luck to all, life's too short to
worry about the future and past. live for today. every minute of every
hour. someone still cares. I'm not alone, I never was. youre great.
thank you for being there, I promise when I get home you'll be
rewarded with gifts or taken out to dinner or something. I love
myself. I am not a bad person, I'm a catch and then some. glad I
finally realized that. til next time. peace, I love you (man it feels
good to say that).

Monday, July 21, 2008

in retrospect

> right now as we drive to denton, texas I find myself listening to
> down to nothing. I'm feeling a lot better since my mental breakdown
> took place. I realized that not all those who wander, are lost. I'm
> on a road headed somewhere, I just dont know where. this tour has
> established the fact in my head that ive made some good friends
> (hoodrack and all the dudes in the cold world van) and ive also
> realized that rashod, garrett, spencer and lee are some of my best
> friends. its a real breath of fresh air knowing that I can be myself
> and still have people enjoy my company. that means a lot to me
> seeing as I watch a lot of people act a certain way to impress
> others. if thats your cup of tea then keep drinking it. more power
> to you and the people you look up to. I just can't do that. ive only
> ever been myself and yea that may have caused some problems along
> the way but I can't change that sorry. I'm done being jaded. I'm
> done being a cock sucker for no reason. ive got a new outlook on
> these things. speaking earlier of listening to down to nothing, I
> really enjoy being straight edge. some people wanna run their mouth
> about me but none of that jibber jabber will ever be said to my
> face. youre not even corny, youre just pathetic for wasting your
> breath on something that holds no barren on you or your lifestyle.
> keep talking, it'll get you no where and nothing but a tired jaw and
> a cool rep with your cool friends. I'm not a hard person to find.
> call me up let's have a talk. anyway what I was trying to tall about
> was this tour is going good. great perhaps. I'm siked to be at sound
> and fury and be behind the ttc table. some good friends from back
> home are coming out and that is awesome to be hanging out with them
> on the west coast. another might make the trip but its highly
> unlikely. we'll see only time will tell. in conclusion, support war
> hungry, trash talk, cold world, the mongoloids, down to nothing,
> ceremony, sabertooth zombie, bitter end, iron boots, bracewar,
> letxdown, have heart, and iron age. all good bands and even better
> people. peace from the road, maybe I'll talk to you soon. peace, I
> love you.


there was talk about flying you out to sound and fury to come kick it
for the weekend. I even had 300 to put in as payment for a flight. the
thought of this right now kinda bums me out. it wouldve been fun
spending 3 days on the west coast doing our thing. oh well. : (

Sunday, July 20, 2008


I'm seriously breaking down. in 23 years, I've compiled a list that
not one human being could possibly be proud of. if someone asked me
what I've done in those 23 years, not one positive thing would ne
muttered. no accomplishments have been achieved, no rewards have been
given, no respect has been garnered, all love has been lost, there is
nothing I can call my own. not one person can look me in the eyes and
say I mean something to them. I've fucked up every good chance I've
ever been presented with. my parents aren't very happy with the way
ive been living my life and I dont blame them. my motive used to be
push and push and push. push anyone away then push forward as if
nothing happened and them push against unmoveable walls. that is the
worst mindset to have. a person needs others to lean on. no one is
perfect and the shoulder to cry on isnt nessacarily only there to cry
on. sometimes you just need a temporary pillar to help hold up the
foundation you built called yourself. i am heartless. I'll admit it.
my emotions are that of a rock and its not something to feel good
about. people who have wasted countless amounts of time trying to help
me out of this situation ive put myself in have been pushed so far
away they are unreachable at this point. ive burned every bridge I
shouldve instead secured. in my world sorry doesnt go a long way but
maybe I should change that. it always seemed like I ran to people when
I wanted help but now who do I run to when I need help? where is home?
is home a place I rest my head or a house where I feel safe or a
person who makes me feel safe? all those questions have different
answers. I wish they all were the same. maybe I need to find a future.
maybe I need to cut my long hair and get an office job and just blend
in. some where no one knows my name. is there such thing as eternal
bond? I feel like I could kill anyone for a certain handful of people.
thats not a nice thing to say but I feel very strongly about that. I
want so badly to just be normal. have normal friendships, normal
relationships, but none of that is relavent seeing as those things
only go sour do to my own demise. ive never blamed others for my
mistakes, thats the easy way out. the problem ive always had was never
proving I was sorry and doing the right thing. I'm actually a terrible
human being is what it comes down to. I'm a bad friend, an even worse
boyfriend, and just a dickhead in general. I can't begin to describe
what's exactly running through my head. I doubt anyone cares or will
ever care. ive walked a long hard road toward ruins but I only have
myself to blame. I dont see a way out I dont see this getting any
better I dont know if it should. for anyone who reads this, this might
be the last time I write about this because if this keeps up I won't
be writing anything ever again. there are no pleas for help or an
outstretched hand waiting for someone to grab a hold of. its over.
said and done. there is no peace when the war is within. you won. you
always do.

the talking is real

owen's bird in hand and city and colour's hello I'm in delaware are
all I've been listening too. songs to describe how I've been feeling
this tour. caught up or foolish? you decide.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


I'm currently watching hellboy 2 in the back of the van with
hoodrack. : )

the luck I have

last night we played atlanta, at the same place I had my accident
happen. it was somewhat of a mild manner night for me, but then again
the band told me I was doing the most. who knows. I can't say it was
crazy, I just know that there was nothing that really stuck out to me
as being that wild. the weather has been at an all time high. it
really sucks to say the least. I've made some good friends on this
tour. ethan, who usually plays drums for steel nation but is filling
in for cold world, helped me destroy a room filled with strange things
and random objects. he even encouraged me to climb a dry wall by
punching and kicking hand and foot holes. it was nuts. got garrett a
have heart wind breaker. he was really intoxicated and was giving me
this strange look the whole night like he did something that I didn't
know about. the temperature in the venue was really hot. I mean there
was condensation forming on the ceiling and walls. war hungry played 2
songs. kids enjoy them so hoodrack should recieve done praise on this
tour seeing as he fronts a great band. dan and me both wore durags
during the cold world set. it was a good time. the night hit its peak
when I climbed about 8 feet up onto a pa speaker and swan dived onto a
sing along part. after the show ended we packed up the gear and headed
to this kid neil's house. slept a good amount and then left his place.
we just got done eating chik-fil-a and we are starting our drive to
birmingham to cave 9. tonight hopefully is cool and then its 3 more
shows til we're at sound and fury. I currently miss my family,
especially my little sister and her asshole ways. I also miss you and
that's real but every day is a new day and every time I wake up I deal
with it. such is life. hope home is good for all those I care about.
for now the road is my home. I'll see you when I get home. peace, I
love you.

Friday, July 18, 2008

one crazy night

so we play this place in winter park, florida and it all goes well.
the sound is good, the reaction was good, and nothing went wrong.
until after the set the dude who greeted us when we arrived started
bugging out over his stage monitors being broken. which was weird lee
didn't break them while singing. it was from the kids stage diving and
singing along that dented the screen coverings on the monitors. so as
we're loading out and packing up, the dude comes over to us and starts
going nuts. saying this and that, at first we were all laughing under
our breaths because it was funny. chase and wade were slapping their
knees I guess they were thoroughly amused. so there we were 20 of us
or so surrounding this dude and 3 of his biker friends. granted these
dudes were all biker-ed out wearing leather vests and what not but
come on they didn't stand a chance. yea one of the guys had his hand
on a knife and was making it visible for all to see but I had that
taken care of. so the dude just keeps freaking out and going crazy all
the while his friend is telling him to let it go and send us on our
way. so we load up the van and take off but not before he threatens us
with a "you'll never play a hard rock show ever again." after that all
of us went to a steak n' shake and we all had a good laugh about the
whole situation. I ordered a milk shake and decided not to eat. I'm on
this kick of eating the very least I can possible and just drinking
water for the most part. its been good times all around and nothing to
complain about. big update coming soon, stay tuned. I love you, peace.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

early and tired

last night we had drive through the night from johnson city, tennessee
to winter park, florida. it was a 11 hour drive straight through so we
grabbed something to eat after the show and headed out. within the
first 20 minutes everyone was passed out. I dont mind it really cause
it gives me time to think. think about where I'm at and where um
headed. think about the mistakes I've made and the strong points in my
life. all these things come rushing towards my late night brain all at
once and in a way I dont feel like its healthy for me but it has to
happen. one must reflect on one's past in order to understand where he
or she is headed in the future. there's an eerie feeling that occurs
when you realize youve probably wronged people you care about and
there's no turning back and making up for it. there's an old saying
that goes, "forward ever, backward never." that statement speaks
volumes about my life. if you want to be in my life then so be it, if
not then keep living in the past. I love you, peace.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


I miss a lot of things, none of which require attention right now.
it's one thing to move on, but it's another thing to forget. I don't
think I've done either. oh well, I guess I'll just wake up tomorrow
refreshed and forget everything that has transpired the past couple
days. maybe it is harder to forget then it is to forgive. where do you
end and I begin? there exist the deepest hurt in the shallowest
moments. anyway, tour's been great. this will be my second year in a
row being at sound and fury. I'm excited and that says a lot seeing as
I dont get excited about much now a days. since last summer its been
non stop on and off touring whether it be with the mongoloids or with
trash talk. I can't say I hate it but it makes being home pretty
hectic. a lot of the time while on the road I find myself thinking
about friends back home, very few in particular, and wonder if they
even know I'm gone or care for that matter. it drives a wedge between
you and the people you spend the most time with because eventually you
have to leave and that's always a bummer on both ends. I think being
in a hardcore band and touring with hardcore bands has brought me to
realize and appreciate other types of music. I fund myself listening
to all varieties of music. there's no area I haven't touched upon in
my library of mp3's. for the longest time I wanted so badly to be in a
band and make it but now I just feel like its not worth it because
I'll never achieve the sound I want out of a band. it would take a lot
for me to hang up this attitude and front a band but I'm open for
suggestions and ideas but I doubt they'll get far at all. if youre
reading this, I'm on my phone typing this and I'll probably doing this
more often. so if youre bored and feel like keeping me company while
on the road send me and email at or just text me
in always down for a good conversation. I was told once I'm a good
talker and can say some nice things I just suck at showing it until
next time. bye. I love you.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

apparently i got beat up, and was given a black eye.

abandonment has never felt so comforting.
a free slave doesn't know where to begin living once they are freed from their shackles that bind them, but still they live on.
i'll leave it at that.

tour journal, summer 08.
married to music.

edit: you tried deleting what i had of you from my email, but you should've done a better job with that. embarrassed are you? awwwwwww.