Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
The windowsill with a crucified pit of an avocado still sits in water.
What else in this room reminds me of the relationship I've ruined.
The tables I made strong enough to hold your magazines,
But not your tired legs.
One more week in this apartment,
One more week of being haunted by the ghost of what should have been.
What else in this fucking empty room reminds me of fucking you?
An orphaned couch where I spent some long nights
While you went out with our friends.
What I wouldn't do to be a ghost like you, to be somewhere new.
To leave everything,
The way you left everything that reminded you of me.
One more week in this apartment, one more week of being haunted.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
november. that's a real thing to comprehend. it's been a long road and
one I've traveled before but for some reason I feel good about this
one. burned a lot of bridges that didn't need to stand. I feel good
this time around. I'm not relying on anyone in particular and I'm
doing things for myself. I've disappointed plenty of people in the
past and I'm through with that. I realize I fucked up a lot of good
things but if I can't look back and learn (and laugh) then I'm missing
something. met some awesome people along the way. some people are just
genuine, good people and I like that. I'm not that close to normal but
being accepted for who I am by ones who aren't like me is a somewhat
good feeling. bringing home that dough is nice but it's not
everything. life experiences are far greater then money. going to
alaska, seeing land marks, and visiting things like the alamo, the
grand canyon, and the pacific coast on a constant basis is unreal. I
might be delaying real life right now but I know once I get into the
swing of that I'll hit it head on. on another subject, I really miss
somebody but it's a lose-lose situation for myself. I have my reasons
and in my head they all make sense. it's only 11 days til I'm home for
awhile through the new year. this might be the last post I do til I'm
til then, I love you
Friday, October 31, 2008
superior to the ones that surround you. my stare is deeper and darker.
my strength is unmatched and there is no rival. my ambition will not
be detered like all the rest. my rise to the top was self made and my
fall will be self inflicted. I regret nothing of my past and all the
bridges I burnt were all connected to roads I don't wish to travel.
have I arrived to a place where all things are mine for the taking?
the wind blows, the earth turns, you still wake up every morning and
so should I. the life you lead is yours to keep, the life I own was
once fragile and weak. the tides have changed, the oceans favor me now.
Friday, October 17, 2008
become somewhat of daily thing to be travelling. for some reason this
feels normal. I almost hate that this has become all I know but I love
music and I'm with some of my best friends. I miss those who I've left
in new jersey but if they don't understand then they don't truely know
me. my birthday is on the 25th and it just so happens that the nj show
is on that day as well. I'm excited about it. all my close friends
bands are playing it and all the bands get to meet some of my family.
it will be good times all around. good vibes all around. I'll be home
on the 21st for the day then back out the 22nd or so who knows. also
at the end of this tour, right before thanksgiving, I'm headed to
alaska. that's pretty wild. mad snow, eskimos, reindeer, igloos, and
all that jazz.
til later, I love and miss you.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
airport. I took another tour that requires me to fly to meet up with
them. it's gonna be a fun tour I think. good times with good friends.
it was real fun being on tour with the years gone by. the tour itself
wasn't the best shen it came to shows and money, but the good times
were had and the other dudes on the tour turned out to be awesome.
nothing serious happened. I collected a small family to keep me
company and I love em. they will accompany me for the first week and a
half on this next tour then they will placed into the arms of their
new temporary residence. who knows they might like it there and stay
but that's their decision. anyway i'm sure no one reads this anymore,
but who cares. I miss my friends, I miss my family, and I miss my bed,
but I'm doing good and I wouldn't have it any other way.
til next time, I love and miss you.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
sweetest waltz, is a thorn in my side. the throne you've been
presented doesn't look to be crumbling yet. these hands you used to
hold are now cold with indifference. stay and wait for my moment or
turn and leave? the chances I've had and used don't seem to sing my
praises. the choir of rejection stands atop the highest mountain in my
mind and belts out a constant ballad. no need to sing along, I've
heard this song too many times to want to join in. my eyes are only
tormented, with pictures and postcards. it's with or without me. a
motto you've settled upon. one I have to agree with, though it hurts
more then you know. growing distant from a burden puts your feet to
work. this running around to catch up to a half broken memory isn't
helping. it can't help. trying to tear down a wall you built makes
rain a welcomed friend. guard your heart, the business of stealing you
away from me is at an all time high. I used to hold you close, but now
I can only stare from afar.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
my hand along the walls painted pale yellow. the rooms remind me of
regret and taste of old decisions. I like the sleep I've received
while staying the night. I came across a half vacant room. clothes
thrown on the floor and the bed precariously messed up. the odor that
fills the 4 walled place of temporary residence is one I know. is it
who I think it is? is this where it happened? I've searched for the
moment but never found solace in make believe fairy tales. the love
that was transfered between the most intimate of times tells a story
of lost cause. the time it takes to relive a memory only happens when
nothing else matters. staring into the eyes of some stranger reeks of
discontent. maybe it's the clothes she wears. maybe it's the way she
carried herself that makes me melt. I have feelings for someone that
isn't here. my mind drifts from want to need and back to want. this
twisting and turning has become the nightly routine for a broken
spirited, almost barely breathing shell I call my body. her scent has
me missing home. but where is home? the usual shelter of her arms, our
bodies entwined for hours, even days or months, has seemed to
disappear. I did it. I've ruined a good thing with my bad intentions.
I left for the world but my whole world was already in front of me.
all I had, my only glimmer of hope, I turned it into my worst enemy.
she hates me. I still wander these halls, still in love with a ghost.
I'm haunted by a closed chapter of the book I never wanted to put
down. wishful words muttered to an empty room remind me that I am
alone. I will be always be alone. this building smells familiar, it's
cold and it's where I rest my head at night. this sadness is
Friday, September 19, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
experience. the whole time I just felt so out of place. but soon I
realized that tour is tour and it's all the same when it's all broken
down. the dudes I'm with, I've known for years, so it's not that
awkward. lou, nick, mike, and will are the only band that somewhat
sticks out and is completely different. that's pretty hard to do
seeing as they are a pop punk band. after the show a fight happened.
it was gay. wanna be tough guys always wanna be tough, but they always
fail. we headed home to sleep at our respective houses. the next day
was at the championship in pa. I've been there before this so I knew
what to expect. saw a few dudes that I know through going there with
hardcore bands so it was a nice relief. the show was somewhat packed.
220ish kids, not bad at all. same performances, same reactions. drove
home afterwards. got home and woke up the next day to tale care of
some stuff with my family. alex called and said to come kick it after
I was done with my prior engagments, so I did. it was nice to see him
and hoodrack, duane, rifkin, and the mongos for a little. following
that I went to stay with a friends and all the stress that I was
feeling was gone so it was good. I'll update this frequently like
usual. peace, I love and miss you.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
denial, but calm because truth sets the soul in place. if existing
only consisted of waking up, then I have played a terrible role in
enjoying life. my torments are that of a unsound human. I twist and
turn do to lack of sleep. my thoughts are no longer my own. they are
no one's at all. a wish? I never had one. a dream? I never remember
them. I am searching for something that doesn't want to be found. you
beg for forgiveness, while I beg to be forgotten. if finding the
answers means changing to fit other peoples views, then I'll forever
question. don't act like you know me, because I barely even know myself.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
do you see the pain that stays
hidden in canyons on my face
an empty void that i've held with care
you were there but you weren't there
tell me is it meant to work
and prove that this life has worth
there's hope in the loneliest times
and lies within trust
hands out stretched for warmth
have only turned gold to dust
and love to lust
wrap me up in you
and hold me close
i've strayed too far from comfort
build us a wall
that keeps out insecurities
cause i'd rather be with you
then alone with them
you opened up a feeling
that i didn't know existed
you bandaged my wounds
caressed my bruises and away you kiss it
pleased to meet you
the pleasure is mine
in time, this place will tear us apart
and the mark we made will disappear from their minds
do what you will
in my head
when all things lovely only hurt my head
I can't look at myself the same
with all my mistakes
a miserable shell with nothing but a name
I live in
is only a place to hide
for all my deeds
am I dead or just not alive?
we've grown weak
from this war beneath the sheets
and all our pride stripped away
you took advantage of the place I sleep
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
was really for a little bit then decided to go to the mall to kill
some time. I got a new pair if shoes because I completely ruined my
black vans while playing and beating alex and ian in a 2 on 2 game
with my teammate gary from violation. yea but I came across this
little guy in the mall and it made me miss dwid a lot and the other
little guy I got waiting for me to come home. times are alright but
they aren't too stable but its whatever. life is complicated but I
won't stop trying to figure it out. peace, I love you.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
curse her name and use everything within me to hate her as much as
possible but not this time. this time it is over and the reasons were
stated and the verdict is unchangable. I'm not upset actually, I had
some really good times. waking up to someone after hard days and rough
nights. being able to tell someone my deepest fears and share with
them my highest highs. not everyone can say they spent a majority of
time with a genuine human being they cared about and wasnt faking it.
from room mates to seeing each other every other week to not seeing
one another for a month or two, we stuck it out. we did what some
people can't do for more then a week or so. I'm not a player or
someone who thinks highly of themselves, shit I think out of everyone
I know I have the worst self confidence but who wouldve guessed. I
cared about her. I really did legitimately think about her 24/7 but I
never showed it. yes I spoke such pretty words but I never followed
through. what I had for 4 years I wouldn't trade for anything in the
world. it tought me lessons about life, love, it even tought me things
about myself. in the past, I wouldn't know what to do with myself I'd
clam up and sit in my room and not have any clue what to do but no
more do I feel like that. I feel like she made the right decision to
leave and set herself fee of me. I'm glad she is somewhere right now
living her life, doing her thing and having fun. its funny the things
you put so much time into preparing for the future are the things that
dont need nursing to begin with. we were mending emotional scars and
wounds that shouldve never been touched after the initial injury. I
take 99% of the blame for all the things that went wrong. if I wasnt
so thick headed or stubborn a lot of things couldve easily been
avoided. but the past is the past and those who dwell on the past only
run the risk of repeating it. so here I am, almost a year into on and
off touring and this is what I love to do. I love music and everything
about it. one day, I'll get things right, I'll find you. I have spent
the past 4 years learning about love and how true it can be and how
poisoness it can become. I thought I couldn't live a day without her
but I was wrong. everyday when I wake up I'm on my own, by myself, in
a world where a lot of people care about me. so, to silvana ostafi,
I'm sorry and thank you. I dont think anything else needs to be said.
when I get home its back to the daily grind.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
oakland a's game or going to the movies. either way its good times.
this tour will be fun. lots of days off in awesome places so that
means fun. ive actually had a change of heart when it came to a bunch
of things in my life. I'm happy right now where I'm at. a good job
when I get home, possibly a place with 2 of my friends, things are
somewhat looking up. hey to anyone reading this, my number is still
the same, my screen name is still the same. get in touch I'm really
bored sometimes keep me company. : ) peace, I love you.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
time. us and cold world pretty much arrived at the same time. we
loaded in our shit then proceeded to veg out cause we were all tired.
set up merch then watched trapped under ice play. they are doing
really well for themselves. its always good to see friends while out
on the road. after their set CDC played, boring next. trash talk
played next and it was alright nothing special but alright. after them
it was cold world. they did good I think everyone was just tired and
was just blehhhhh. bands played after that and then finally terror
played. it was kinda unreal to be able get up on stage and stand there
and watch scott vogel sing. I was kinda taken back but then I realized
he's just like me. he loves music and is all about what he loves.
thats something to respect. anyway after the show was over we loaded
up and I drove the 7 hours pretty much with garrett driving the last
20 minutes to joe harders house. we posted up and slept for a little
bit. woke up, hung around the house then eventually made our way to
the mongoloids show. it was nice to see alan and dave and joe and
rottmann and andrew. and all of them were happy to see me. the show
was alright but I couldve gone without it. went home after the show,
had aaron v sitting on my lap. got back started to pass out then got
the whole "you gotta put these records together. what did you think
you were gonna sleep." put the records together and passed out. woke
up and now sound and fury starts. I'll try to keep this updated who
knows. peace, I love you.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
content, hot, hurt, aching, internal fights, external calmnes. I think
the one thing that used to make me 100% happy has gone away and used
its method on another. because of that I take the high road and
celebrate that I'm still alive and breathing. thats all here's a
picture to look at. peace, I love you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
next to mook and hoodrack. we're doing a 15 hour drive from texas to
arizon to hop on a terror show. I guess its cool but who knows. after
that its a 7 hour drive to california and then we're at sound and
fury. after that I think I'm touring back home with war hungry. I know
how much you like war hungry do maybe I'll get you a shirt. alright
that's it. peace, I love you.
messages and emails and all that jazz keep me feeling alive again. : )
I'm not someone who was given up on, yet I'm someone that was given a
second chance. I feel like my life might be coming together right now.
good paying job ( which if I dont say is long overdue) that I'll be
able to buy nice things for me and other important people. its calming
when things like this happen. best of luck to all, life's too short to
worry about the future and past. live for today. every minute of every
hour. someone still cares. I'm not alone, I never was. youre great.
thank you for being there, I promise when I get home you'll be
rewarded with gifts or taken out to dinner or something. I love
myself. I am not a bad person, I'm a catch and then some. glad I
finally realized that. til next time. peace, I love you (man it feels
good to say that).
Monday, July 21, 2008
> down to nothing. I'm feeling a lot better since my mental breakdown
> took place. I realized that not all those who wander, are lost. I'm
> on a road headed somewhere, I just dont know where. this tour has
> established the fact in my head that ive made some good friends
> (hoodrack and all the dudes in the cold world van) and ive also
> realized that rashod, garrett, spencer and lee are some of my best
> friends. its a real breath of fresh air knowing that I can be myself
> and still have people enjoy my company. that means a lot to me
> seeing as I watch a lot of people act a certain way to impress
> others. if thats your cup of tea then keep drinking it. more power
> to you and the people you look up to. I just can't do that. ive only
> ever been myself and yea that may have caused some problems along
> the way but I can't change that sorry. I'm done being jaded. I'm
> done being a cock sucker for no reason. ive got a new outlook on
> these things. speaking earlier of listening to down to nothing, I
> really enjoy being straight edge. some people wanna run their mouth
> about me but none of that jibber jabber will ever be said to my
> face. youre not even corny, youre just pathetic for wasting your
> breath on something that holds no barren on you or your lifestyle.
> keep talking, it'll get you no where and nothing but a tired jaw and
> a cool rep with your cool friends. I'm not a hard person to find.
> call me up let's have a talk. anyway what I was trying to tall about
> was this tour is going good. great perhaps. I'm siked to be at sound
> and fury and be behind the ttc table. some good friends from back
> home are coming out and that is awesome to be hanging out with them
> on the west coast. another might make the trip but its highly
> unlikely. we'll see only time will tell. in conclusion, support war
> hungry, trash talk, cold world, the mongoloids, down to nothing,
> ceremony, sabertooth zombie, bitter end, iron boots, bracewar,
> letxdown, have heart, and iron age. all good bands and even better
> people. peace from the road, maybe I'll talk to you soon. peace, I
> love you.
for the weekend. I even had 300 to put in as payment for a flight. the
thought of this right now kinda bums me out. it wouldve been fun
spending 3 days on the west coast doing our thing. oh well. : (
Sunday, July 20, 2008
not one human being could possibly be proud of. if someone asked me
what I've done in those 23 years, not one positive thing would ne
muttered. no accomplishments have been achieved, no rewards have been
given, no respect has been garnered, all love has been lost, there is
nothing I can call my own. not one person can look me in the eyes and
say I mean something to them. I've fucked up every good chance I've
ever been presented with. my parents aren't very happy with the way
ive been living my life and I dont blame them. my motive used to be
push and push and push. push anyone away then push forward as if
nothing happened and them push against unmoveable walls. that is the
worst mindset to have. a person needs others to lean on. no one is
perfect and the shoulder to cry on isnt nessacarily only there to cry
on. sometimes you just need a temporary pillar to help hold up the
foundation you built called yourself. i am heartless. I'll admit it.
my emotions are that of a rock and its not something to feel good
about. people who have wasted countless amounts of time trying to help
me out of this situation ive put myself in have been pushed so far
away they are unreachable at this point. ive burned every bridge I
shouldve instead secured. in my world sorry doesnt go a long way but
maybe I should change that. it always seemed like I ran to people when
I wanted help but now who do I run to when I need help? where is home?
is home a place I rest my head or a house where I feel safe or a
person who makes me feel safe? all those questions have different
answers. I wish they all were the same. maybe I need to find a future.
maybe I need to cut my long hair and get an office job and just blend
in. some where no one knows my name. is there such thing as eternal
bond? I feel like I could kill anyone for a certain handful of people.
thats not a nice thing to say but I feel very strongly about that. I
want so badly to just be normal. have normal friendships, normal
relationships, but none of that is relavent seeing as those things
only go sour do to my own demise. ive never blamed others for my
mistakes, thats the easy way out. the problem ive always had was never
proving I was sorry and doing the right thing. I'm actually a terrible
human being is what it comes down to. I'm a bad friend, an even worse
boyfriend, and just a dickhead in general. I can't begin to describe
what's exactly running through my head. I doubt anyone cares or will
ever care. ive walked a long hard road toward ruins but I only have
myself to blame. I dont see a way out I dont see this getting any
better I dont know if it should. for anyone who reads this, this might
be the last time I write about this because if this keeps up I won't
be writing anything ever again. there are no pleas for help or an
outstretched hand waiting for someone to grab a hold of. its over.
said and done. there is no peace when the war is within. you won. you
Saturday, July 19, 2008
happen. it was somewhat of a mild manner night for me, but then again
the band told me I was doing the most. who knows. I can't say it was
crazy, I just know that there was nothing that really stuck out to me
as being that wild. the weather has been at an all time high. it
really sucks to say the least. I've made some good friends on this
tour. ethan, who usually plays drums for steel nation but is filling
in for cold world, helped me destroy a room filled with strange things
and random objects. he even encouraged me to climb a dry wall by
punching and kicking hand and foot holes. it was nuts. got garrett a
have heart wind breaker. he was really intoxicated and was giving me
this strange look the whole night like he did something that I didn't
know about. the temperature in the venue was really hot. I mean there
was condensation forming on the ceiling and walls. war hungry played 2
songs. kids enjoy them so hoodrack should recieve done praise on this
tour seeing as he fronts a great band. dan and me both wore durags
during the cold world set. it was a good time. the night hit its peak
when I climbed about 8 feet up onto a pa speaker and swan dived onto a
sing along part. after the show ended we packed up the gear and headed
to this kid neil's house. slept a good amount and then left his place.
we just got done eating chik-fil-a and we are starting our drive to
birmingham to cave 9. tonight hopefully is cool and then its 3 more
shows til we're at sound and fury. I currently miss my family,
especially my little sister and her asshole ways. I also miss you and
that's real but every day is a new day and every time I wake up I deal
with it. such is life. hope home is good for all those I care about.
for now the road is my home. I'll see you when I get home. peace, I
Friday, July 18, 2008
the sound is good, the reaction was good, and nothing went wrong.
until after the set the dude who greeted us when we arrived started
bugging out over his stage monitors being broken. which was weird lee
didn't break them while singing. it was from the kids stage diving and
singing along that dented the screen coverings on the monitors. so as
we're loading out and packing up, the dude comes over to us and starts
going nuts. saying this and that, at first we were all laughing under
our breaths because it was funny. chase and wade were slapping their
knees I guess they were thoroughly amused. so there we were 20 of us
or so surrounding this dude and 3 of his biker friends. granted these
dudes were all biker-ed out wearing leather vests and what not but
come on they didn't stand a chance. yea one of the guys had his hand
on a knife and was making it visible for all to see but I had that
taken care of. so the dude just keeps freaking out and going crazy all
the while his friend is telling him to let it go and send us on our
way. so we load up the van and take off but not before he threatens us
with a "you'll never play a hard rock show ever again." after that all
of us went to a steak n' shake and we all had a good laugh about the
whole situation. I ordered a milk shake and decided not to eat. I'm on
this kick of eating the very least I can possible and just drinking
water for the most part. its been good times all around and nothing to
complain about. big update coming soon, stay tuned. I love you, peace.