the end?

i wish i was in a position to make the choices i want and need to enable my life to be better. i'm kind of scared right now. i've always been hard-headed and stubborn about how i feel and where my mind is at. i've hidden all emotion under this tough skin and refused to let anyone in. i was content with the good and bad decisions i've made but now i'm not so sure. i think i've pushed great people away. my poor judgment has left me in a place i'm unfamiliar with. i know i'm wrong for what i've done and said but in times of desperation people tend to say things in defense of oneself. i'll be gone for at least a month starting the day after christmas and i will be spending each day thinking about the things i've done wrong. is it wrong to want to start 2008 the same way i started 07? i want to tell you, you're all i think about without having to say a word to you. i want so much back. unfortunately, i feel as if i've made this bed and now i have to lay in it. in my head, 2008 will be spent alone and i can't say i'm very happy about that. even with people, i still feel out of place cause you're not in my life. here's to wishing you come back to me once i come back home. maybe you'll forget me, maybe you won't. i doubt i'll be updating this for awhile, but if i do it will be from tour and i'm sure no one will read it.

she's my obsession, you're my obsession.

we live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain

every morning I walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like: car parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever I find lying around

it's become a habit
a way to start the day

i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you

it's early morning
no one is awake
i'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off

i listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
i follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks

when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?

i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you



"It was inspired by a situation I saw a lot of my friends get in to. I really like reading magazines about science, you see, and when people fall in love, they make this kind of drug in their bodies so they become addicted to each other physically.

Nature makes things so that the drug lasts for three years, so if they're together they're just on a natural high. Nature makes sure that people get three years to sort out if they want to be together for life or not; that three years is a try out time. Then they wake up and it's a 'Whoops, what am I doing here?' kind of thing? Then they are forced to sort out if they love the person, like real love, or if it was just a trick.

I just read this article and I looked at all my friends since I was a kid, and I saw that it always happened after three years, it's so strange. You think you've never seen people so much in love and then after three years, like precisely, they ring the phone in the middle of the night and it's , 'Björk, I'm coming over' and they come over and say 'I don't love him, what is it? I don't look forward to coming home anymore. What's wrong?' Then at that point I could actually say, 'Well listen, it's science.'

They get really hurt of course, it's this David Attenborough dilemma I've got, I really want to be him. Another completely different angle on the same thing is when you fall in love with a person, you think that might be the last time, that maybe you will never ever fall in love again, so it becomes a very precious thing to you. So you start showing the person you're in love with you're best side only and you keep all your bad parts in the bag behind your back.

For some terrible reason, for which I'm actually a bit pissed off with, is when you fall in love with a person you start to separate into two sides and you're only sweet with them.

So basically, 'Hyper-ballad' is about having this kind of bag going on and three years have passed and you're not high anymore. You have to make an effort consciously and nature's not helping you anymore. So you wake up early in the morning and you sneak outside and you do something horrible and destructive, break whatever you can find, watch a horrible film, read a bit of William Burroughs, something really gross and come home and be like, 'Hi honey, how are you?"

yea

i can see it. it's all clear now and i can't touch it.
what's the point in running when your legs won't work?
after the accident that occurred, my life has been turned upside down.
my thoughts are not those of evil and condescending ones.
instead, they follow the path of self righteousness.
my existence is quite comical and sometimes it makes me wonder.
will i ever get to where it is i'm going?
where am i going?
who will be there?
who will come with me?
am i alone?
are we all alone?
peach snapple and cool ranch doritos

my favorite time is when it's 2:30am. pitch black outside and two feet in front of you is like staring into oblivion. so much can happen in darkness. i could touch you, you could touch me. you could become my ladylove and rescue me from eternal sadness. i like you in ways i cannot comprehend. my leaving is approaching and i find myself staring at either a computer screen or the telephone. i eagerly await the call. my patience has been tested and tasted. it's as if you already know that one look into my eyes and your soul is mine. i don't want your body. i don't want to quench my or your sexual desire. i want your mind. i want your soul. i want all that is building and raging inside to be thrust upon me in wild heats of rage. spew your vicious venoms. cast your stones and break me down. i've needed anyone but for you i'll make an exception. i don't want your future. i don't want your undying affection. i don't want your cash. i want you here and now. i want your problems. i want whatever you can give me and i'll savor each and every lash. i'm strong enough on my own, but with you i am but weak. it's the weak ones that fall in love. strong reputation, weak knee-ed. there's oncoming storm, and they are saying it's gonna rain. rain down on me, rain down. if i can't drown myself, maybe he'll do it for me. suffocate this pattern of thinking and make it impossible for me to think of anything negative. i want to free float and dwell in a world where my choices are not thought thoroughly through days or years before they happen. there is no light worth searching for, it has already been put out. the proverbial bright-side exists in dreams. the upside to murder is when someone dies, there is another to take it's place? bullshit. you're dying. i'm dying. what are you really a part of? let's break this down shall we. categorizing people is so black and white nowadays. you are either normal or strange/weird/the outcast. you fit in or you're the loner. in this huge world, people struggle everyday with their own existence. i find myself wondering what i belong to. do i belong to this earth? am i a product of dirt and lifeless substances? the world is made up of roughly 16.6% of water. our bodies are 72% water. do i belong to the ocean? am i just a creature who found it's way on land through trail and error and learn to survive out here on the dry land? am i scared? terrified is more like it. just staring at an old person gives me goosebumps. i yearn to be filled with wisdom. i embrace the process of aging. my deepest fear is growing old by myself and never having anyone to call my own. no one to share and pass on the gift of past experiences onto. 22 is half way to 44 and 44 is half way to 88. man, how time does fly. if you took every aspect of your life and put it into perspective, what would you be most proud of? for me, it's my unwillingness to change. i've matured, grown up, whatever you want to call it but i've never changed. some people evolve for the right reasons and more power to then, but it's the ones who do it right in front of you who crush you the most. you are forced to sit and watch them turn into something that is meaningless and has no value in your life anymore. then what? in my life, i've followed one simple rule, no matter the good, the bad, the ugly, i am on a juggernaut mission, i don't know where i'm going but i'm pushing forward, head down and determined on the prize. call it selfish, call is naive but in the end aren't we suppose to make oneself happy, or life has been a failure? perhaps it's my undeniable love for all things overlooked that makes me swoon. a body is all i'm after. i'm after knowledge. i'm chasing an impossible standard that runs the gamut inside my head. soft but loud. heavy but light enough to hold. broken but fixable. hollow yet full of life. these are my standards. absurd aren't they? it's as if i'm setting myself with a imaginable friend that doesn't want to know my name. i created you, yet you abandoned me? give me an inch, and i'll prove to you an inch is more then i ever needed. i could've worked with a centimeter. if you're worth it, i'll never stop. if the gut instinct says no, then what's the point? i'm not after the chase, i'm after the late night conversation, where i learn what your favorite movie was when you were a child. i'm not prying at what you're into when it comes to a guy. i want to know what kind of bike you got as a child. you're worth more then an evening spent between fabric. you deserve the world at your feet. the bearing of gifts, the sky should be pulled down and placed on your kitchen table. i want conquer the foothills of your mind. i want to dive head first into a pool of emotion and drown in the infinite that is your thoughts. if my mind tells me anything, it's that your smile can turn a bad day into something meant to remember. are you all i need? are you my one and only? that isn't important. what is important is that someone will be blessed with your presence and they would be a fool to let you go. god forbid, the day shall come where our path meet and we chose to walk hand in hand, i'll follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. i will care about your feelings. just have something in there. be still beating hearts. one day i'll have my chance. one day i'll make mom and dad proud. what do i have to lose now, life's an uphill fight till you find someone to love. then after that you spend the rest of your life falling down but at least you got someone there to pick you back up. with life, comes death. with love, come heartache. with questions, come more question. there is no such thing as universal peace. i believe in myself, one day i'll get the world to believe in me too.

Confessions - City And Colour

"i just wanna lay on your chest
and laugh about nothing.
i wish we never fell apart."



talk about being blindsided.
damn.

going away

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

When you lived inside of me
There was nothing I could conceive
That you wouldn't do for me
Trouble seemed so far away
You changed that right away, baby

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

Love don't live here anymore
Just emptiness and memories
Of what we had before
You went away
Found another place to stay, another home

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

In the windmills of my eyes
Everyone can see the loneliness inside me
Why'd ya have to go away
Don't you know I miss you so and need your love

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

sexual

i want to touch you in places
i want to touch you in public places
i want to touch you in private places
i want to touch you.
oh yea, and your skin tastes good.
throw your arms around my neck
and kiss me till the sun comes up.
there's no sleep for me tonight
cause i'll spend every minute thinking of you.
fuck a dream
fuck a future
fuck a past
fuck waiting
i want you now
i want you here
i want you all over
punch me in the face
kick me while i'm down
toss your stones at me
i'll forever want you
come sleep inside my head
come sleep inside my arms
come sleep
and never
ever
ever
ever
ever
leave.

THIS IS....

SO TRUE.

BECAUSE I'M FEELING GOOD

seriously everyone check out these bands:

THE MONGOLOIDS
(www.myspace.com/mongoloidsnj)
just released TIME TRIALS and it's one of the best albums of 07
i couldn't be any more happier for them

TRASH TALK
(www.myspace.com/trashtalkfu)
touring non-stop and in january will release the best record 08
intense, intense, intense

A LOVE LIKE PI
(www.myspace.com/alovelikepi)
just got out of the studio and are done recording their full length
11 brilliant songs from 4 of the best people i know



seriously these three bands are the best at their respective genres and i'm so glad that i'm even capable of saying they are friends of mine. i love every single dude in all three bands.

my obsession with bjork is ridiculous.
all of her songs make me both extremely happy and depressingly sad.
i want to just lay in bed with you and listen to her all day.
one day that will happen.
for now, all i have is time and patience right?

i am sorry for what has happened
and if i dragged you down
you were good for me
but i was bad for you.

THIS MAKES ME HAPPY!

look out for dem sketchy cats

DECHIPER THAT

yay!

NEW BAND IS COMING TOGETHER.
MIGHT NEED A BASSIST.
FUCK, THANK GOD I GET TO SMASH MY HEAD WITH A MICROPHONE ONCE AGAIN.
IT WILL BE GLORIOUS.

Create. Resist.

All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home. It's hard to describe what I felt like then. Picture yourself walking for days in the driving snow; you don't even know you're walking in circles. The heaviness of your legs in the drifts, your shouts disappearing into the wind. How small you can feel, and how far away home can be. Home. The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it: In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place. I love you not knowing how, why, or even from where. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep. What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference. Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, Demised, departed And defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God's way of saying, "Slow down." Think about it.

I HOPE YOU DANCE

$35 taco bell dollars.
a penis lollipop
a box of gushers.
some pretzel goldfish
some starbursts
a nice steak dinner
dave gagliardi being my doppleganger
chicks in shorts and a cro-mags t shirt
saw lots of people and hung out with them
most importantly, cox is sleeping over
and he's wiggling his dick
got a cake, it sucked
BOOBIES
gave away some shirts
that must be worn in front of me.

when it comes to expressing myself, i have the hardest time. my emotions change daily and that's something i've had to deal with my entire life. right now, everything just seems to be falling into place. i know what i have could be gone tomorrow and that life is precious but man i'm really living my life. tour, tour, tour, and more tour. i couldn't be more excited and happy. the way life has been presenting itself to me is amazing. my friends are there for me and, just like me, their lives are panning out pretty well. one of my friends is losing weight and staying happy and cooking and just that even puts me in a good mood. i mean, fuck, people spend so much time worrying if they're gonna have that white picket fence house and what job will provide but in reality if you don't live in the moment then what are you living for? some bullshit future? no thank you. i'm gonna be 22 and the opportunities that are coming my way are something i can't pass up. yea i might look back and say, "i could've chose a different but i don't regret it." how it that hard for someone to understand? all my heroes are underneath me. i don't need to impress anyone. i spent years yearning for approval from people that never really deserved it. i'm not saying that everyone that used to be there for me is completely worthless but it just wasn't working out. i hope down the road i can't connect with a select few and tell them, "time has shown me i was wrong and that if possible i'd like to pick up where we left off." you know it's that easy. well mouthing the words is, i don't know about the actions that would follow. so what's in my life that is making me write this? well there's my friends in trash talk who taking me out on tour to roadie. even though they are taking me to help them out with merch and equipment i owe them a lot. they are making my dreams of just being on the road and going places i've never been before and might not get to see again. you might ask, "nick, how is the whole girl situation?" i'd gladly respond with that isn't what is important right now. the only girls i want to talk to right now are lesbians ; ) i wouldn't say "fuck love" because that's not where my head is at. it just seems like bad timing, the whole wrong place, wrong time can be used to explain it. i have found i've been hanging out with my dog the most recently. he seriously is my best friend. no matter my mood, he still loves me. i love waking up.

1 love

take me home
you silly boy
put your arms around me
take me home
you silly boy
all the world's not round without you

I'm so sorry that I broke your heart
please don't leave my side
take me home
you silly boy
cause I'm still in love you

SERIOUSLY

I NEED SOMEONE WHO:
- will not want to fight all the time.
- will love my dog as much as i do
- will sit and watch hulk hogan dvd's
- will watch football with me on sundays
- will not mind if i come home with a huge gash in my head
- will go out of their way to see just like i go out of my way to see them
- will not put me last
- will not put me first
- will treat me equally and show me the same respect i show them
- likes integrity, sheer terror, and all the bands i'm friends with (or at least pretend to like them)
- will not be fake and change with the seasons and faces around them
- makes me laugh
- keeps me warm
- accepts that i'm not the most normal person around
- will be okay with my poop sense of fashion
- knows a little something about everything but not everything about something
- will let me ruin every picture they take
- knows that i will be me and only me and that's okay with them.

LACK OF SLEEP, FEELING GOOD.

you know what?



1 LOVE.

cool.

I LOVE BEING THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK.
it's like one week i'm cool enough to be hung out with and the next three i'm just some faggot who doesn't deserve the time of day.
well nah, you can go fuck yourself.
all your friends can go fuck themselves.
and you're little lifestyle can go fuck itself.
i hope you or someone who is totally down for you steps to me.
you deserve all the shit you got.
you fucking ghost of person.
here one day gone for three months.
fuck you, i'm glad i'm leaving.
"oh my god nick, i can't believe you're leaving. = ("
fuck you, you fake ass bitch.
i really hope the worst for you.
i hope you cry more then you smile.
i hope you fail more then you succeed.
i hope all the bullshit foundations you built come crumbling down.
i've never felt so fucking used and played with then i do right now.
go fuck yourself.
tell your friends to go fuck themselves.
and i hope you guys all die in a car accident.

repair, break, fix

I LOVE TACO TACOS
FROM TACO BELL

MY WEEKEND

FRIDAY - got there late saw coa's last song then played.





SATURDAY - radio show was hilarious. drove to roller kingdom and played with mindpiece, reign supreme, and energy.







SUNDAY - played with madball, outbreak, soul control and coa again.





















and that was that. it was awesome. i can only wish it happens again but i'm not entirely sure it will. one day, one day.

The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time

I will be
In the bar
With my head
On the bar
I am now
A central part
Of your mind's landscape
Whether you care
Or do not
Yeah, I've made up your mind


The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time


Beware !
I bear more grudges
Than lonely high court judges
When you sleep
I will creep
Into your thoughts
Like a bad debt
That you can't pay
Take the easy way
And give in
Yeah, and let me in
Oh, let me in
Oh let me ...
Oh, let me in
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
WAR
WAR
WAR
WAR
Oh, let me in
Ah, the closer I get
Ah, you're asking for it
Ah, the closer I get
Ooh, the closer I ...

IT'S NOTHING REALLY.
OR IS IT?