the loneliest socialite

i've been falling asleep this whole week to three very different artists. Sigur Ros, Cat Power, and City and Color have all been on constant rotation on my ihome. i can't say why it's been those three but something about them either calms me down or just makes me tired. (or does both at the same time) my every day life has been rather simple. i'm either doing nothing or out doing something. i like looking at things simple like that. i've cancelled some friendships, or cut ties have you. it's not that there was a falling out or a huge argument, it was just that i didn't feel that there was a friend vibe and such. i guess most of them deserve a "hi" if i ever saw them in public but how often does that happen. (almost never) it's crazy when you examine things. i am not a simple human being. i'm as complex as they come. people are so intriguing when you beak down their flaws and positives. all the world does it, it's called judging someone based off looks, rumors, and .01% facts you know of them. i'd be lying if i said i never participated in the prejudice of not knowing someone so i'll just hate them. i don't think i'm like that anymore. and i might not be putting myself out there to meet everyone in this world but i'm more polite. i guess it's called being more mature or growing up but i just see it as a lesson i learned back in the day and now i'm practicing it. i have some good friends now a days. i made a lot of them by coming out of my shell and just being me and to my surprise they actually didn't mind me being a long haired weirdo who likes music and is comfortable in most situations. 

when i woke up this morning, it was valentine's day. in the past i'd worry about getting presents for my loved one, my significant other, but i didn't have that burden this time around. and i have someone to get something for, it's just i didn't feel like any present or chocolate or flowers could truly represent me as a person and my worth. the other person's worth to me is a for greater then some last minute present i picked up (insert random place with cheap items) on the way to see them. the fact of the matter is i spent valentines day in my bed laying with my dogs and listening to them snore in the mid day while i watched sportscenter. yes nothing special to any of you reading this, but it was a great day for me. and even though i ended up with a massive headache, the day was great. i spent time with my sister jess and my mom. i was just so happy to be out and about with them doing things they needed to do. i know i'm not the best person in my family. i'm not the shining star by no means but i'm learning that if you don't have family you just have a dead end to look forward to. 

in conclusion, i've realized that the people and the things you surround yourself with are what defines you and what represents you when you're long gone. i have bare walls in my room besides for a few big l records and a michael jordan jersey on the wall. 

next to my bed there's a table with an ihome, a winter beanie, some magazines and books, and some assorted stuffed animals i've been given.

so this is me. content with where i'm at but still hungry enough to keep pushing myself to gain the things i want in life. i can honestly say i'm happy to some extent and i've finally reached a place of solace that i can cope with and work with.

one love and peace to the gods.

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl.

sometimes

it's all about perspective.

did you do everything you wanted?

or did all that you yearn for, somehow fall through the cracks?

patience, now, all is not lost.

think about your experiences.

the places you've been.

things aren't that bad.

things were never that bad.

or are they just getting worse?

song?

it's that same long walk
same outcome i've trudged towards
one more day of disappointment
another night of sleeping alone
when does the chance to prove myself come?
i've waited years to show the world what i'm worth
hiding from demons only holds them at bay
my emotions have become as weak as my bones
this isn't what i wanted
this isn't how i pictured it
i've had so many second chances
none of which meant anything at all
i loved, i lied, i felt the highest touch
i hurt, i died, i felt the deepest crutch

in the a.m.

easier to forget?
or easier to forgive?

sometimes i think about those questions.
are people easier to forget or easier to forgive?
i'm not sure there is an answer to those questions.

is there anything else to write about?
i really don't think i'm all that good at writing anymore.
i've failed to think of anything genius to grace you with.
my fault.

there are no new beginnings

pictures.
never look good when they involve me.
hi.
i'm alive.

random tour

day 1:
left to head to richmond but the traffic was too heavy to even think about getting there on time. so joe called letdown and we tried to jump on a baltimore show. that didn't work either since there were no drums to use. so the tour didn't get off to a good start per say. after our pit stop in b-more we started our journey down to florida.

day 2:
played some show at a skate park with petition and know the score. it was fun. kinda weird vibe but all in all it was an alright show. there was some pit beef.

day 3:
played at some club that had the weirdest stage. a lot of kids showed up. sold a lot of merch. had a good time. ate mcdonalds. talked on the phone for a little bit. then drove to a hotel.

day 4:
this is for you fest. we played the second day. we were playing up there with pulling teeth, lion of judah and so on and so forth. the reaction was insane. i mean kids were going off to ray just sound checking. kids were getting to close for comfort with me so i ended up getting a little heated and kicking kids off stage literally. i kicked rottmann on accident. right after we played, we sold some merch and packed up all the stuff and set out on a 20 hour drive to texas.

day 5, 6, 7, 8:
first day of tour with know the score and kids like us. all these days were in texas. i don't remember much of them for some reason i don't know why but it all seems like a blur to me. we played shows and hung out and did some real random stuff. one show was at a tattoo shop and 160ish kids were there. that's nuts. played at a place where we played with bitter end and iron age on the summer tour. that was fun. after the last texas date we headed out on a 10 hour drive to alabama.

day 9:
a show at cave 9. we opened. the whole tour package played first which was pretty strange. the place was awkward. it was some shitty pop punk band's cd release or something and we just kind of felt out of place there. even though a majority of the kids in the place were there to see the tour we were on. afterwards we went back to the place we were staying and fell asleep.

day 10:
played at the muse in nashville. it was cool. played well. ate taco bell. then headed for the hotel we were staying at for free.

day 11:
atlanta, ga. my enemy on the last tour. i proved that it wouldn't be my enemy this tour. we played at a place called the shop. at first the turn out was not that great but by the time we went on there was a good amount of people there. we played pretty good. know the score had a good reaction. then kids like us went on and kids went nuts. it was the last day of the know the score/kids like us/mongo tour so lars asked if i wanted to sing underground by life of agony. so i did and while singing it i was thinking about ray and alan at the first show of the tour when kids like us randomly covered it and it was just a good time and fun. after the show was over we took a picture with all the dudes and then we went our separate ways.

day 12:
richmond at some random place that looked like a department store. the weirdest show i've ever been to. the vibe was so awkward. people were just standing there like zombies. the only good part was seeing our friends in bitter end. they were on tour with reign supreme and we just happened to get on a show on that tour and play with them. after the show ended we finally headed home.

all in all, it was a good time. aside from ray talking about having sex with me cause i had long hair, nothing really went wrong. i had a bunch of head aches. actually, the whole time i had a head ache and most of the time that stopped me from having a good time which i sort of regret. but overall, my spirits were as high as they could be and i'm glad it happened. until next tour, peace.

the end?

i wish i was in a position to make the choices i want and need to enable my life to be better. i'm kind of scared right now. i've always been hard-headed and stubborn about how i feel and where my mind is at. i've hidden all emotion under this tough skin and refused to let anyone in. i was content with the good and bad decisions i've made but now i'm not so sure. i think i've pushed great people away. my poor judgment has left me in a place i'm unfamiliar with. i know i'm wrong for what i've done and said but in times of desperation people tend to say things in defense of oneself. i'll be gone for at least a month starting the day after christmas and i will be spending each day thinking about the things i've done wrong. is it wrong to want to start 2008 the same way i started 07? i want to tell you, you're all i think about without having to say a word to you. i want so much back. unfortunately, i feel as if i've made this bed and now i have to lay in it. in my head, 2008 will be spent alone and i can't say i'm very happy about that. even with people, i still feel out of place cause you're not in my life. here's to wishing you come back to me once i come back home. maybe you'll forget me, maybe you won't. i doubt i'll be updating this for awhile, but if i do it will be from tour and i'm sure no one will read it.

she's my obsession, you're my obsession.

we live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain

every morning I walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like: car parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever I find lying around

it's become a habit
a way to start the day

i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you

it's early morning
no one is awake
i'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off

i listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
i follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks

when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?

i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you



"It was inspired by a situation I saw a lot of my friends get in to. I really like reading magazines about science, you see, and when people fall in love, they make this kind of drug in their bodies so they become addicted to each other physically.

Nature makes things so that the drug lasts for three years, so if they're together they're just on a natural high. Nature makes sure that people get three years to sort out if they want to be together for life or not; that three years is a try out time. Then they wake up and it's a 'Whoops, what am I doing here?' kind of thing? Then they are forced to sort out if they love the person, like real love, or if it was just a trick.

I just read this article and I looked at all my friends since I was a kid, and I saw that it always happened after three years, it's so strange. You think you've never seen people so much in love and then after three years, like precisely, they ring the phone in the middle of the night and it's , 'Björk, I'm coming over' and they come over and say 'I don't love him, what is it? I don't look forward to coming home anymore. What's wrong?' Then at that point I could actually say, 'Well listen, it's science.'

They get really hurt of course, it's this David Attenborough dilemma I've got, I really want to be him. Another completely different angle on the same thing is when you fall in love with a person, you think that might be the last time, that maybe you will never ever fall in love again, so it becomes a very precious thing to you. So you start showing the person you're in love with you're best side only and you keep all your bad parts in the bag behind your back.

For some terrible reason, for which I'm actually a bit pissed off with, is when you fall in love with a person you start to separate into two sides and you're only sweet with them.

So basically, 'Hyper-ballad' is about having this kind of bag going on and three years have passed and you're not high anymore. You have to make an effort consciously and nature's not helping you anymore. So you wake up early in the morning and you sneak outside and you do something horrible and destructive, break whatever you can find, watch a horrible film, read a bit of William Burroughs, something really gross and come home and be like, 'Hi honey, how are you?"

yea

i can see it. it's all clear now and i can't touch it.
what's the point in running when your legs won't work?
after the accident that occurred, my life has been turned upside down.
my thoughts are not those of evil and condescending ones.
instead, they follow the path of self righteousness.
my existence is quite comical and sometimes it makes me wonder.
will i ever get to where it is i'm going?
where am i going?
who will be there?
who will come with me?
am i alone?
are we all alone?
peach snapple and cool ranch doritos