april eleventh two thousand nine

have you ever found death through a window?

just the gaze outside could drive a man insane.

the trees they are all so still.

motionless and calm.

i will never be like them.

i envy their security and their irresponsibility. 

my focus moves from outward to downward.

if the ground stopped yelling my name, i'd have a easier time moving away from the edge.

where's love in time of loss?

my only solace is now public infection.

gather up an army in my head.

i'd rather stay asleep instead.

you say i'm scum

nothing to update

nothing to say

nothing to nothing

sometimes things just fall apart right before your eyes

most times you're surrounded by pretenders and liars

the weeding out process has taken its toll

history repeats itself in ways you will never understand

home

and not a single thing has changed.

there's no rescue from this.

every waking day is just like the last.

why bother changing when life still remains.

the smile has been wiped clean

and something has turned to nothing.

a poor excuse for a life

two faced, scarred memories.

hold me tight

after you wake in the morning

i'll be gone.

happy happy

i've fallen in love with this song.

mostly in part because of natalie but none the less it's a ridiculously catchy song.

sxsw is almost here which should be fun.

good times with all my friends.

then after that driving up to united blood to kick it with more friends.

then it's home for awhile to do nothing and keep active.

that's all for now.

sleepless mess of things

is it me or do i look really awkward in this picture?

having long hair sometimes makes me look weird.

this picture pretty much sums up the past month or so.

i'm tired, i'm broken, i'm beaten down.

things have been great but a long overdue rest is needed.

and that's what i'm doing.

yuv ya.

bye.

for once in your life....

i'm sitting in the room i've called home for about a month now and i'm randomly happy. luis has given me a place to stay, which was very generous of him by the way and i owe him the world. there's talks of me moving out to california in late april/may-ish. we'll see how that works out. so the first tours are done for this year and i'm onto relax time. i get to go home, see my family, see natalie and just lounge around and do nothing. where i'm at mentally and such is an amazing feeling. if you could see the constant smile i've painted on my face the past couple months, you'd think i was a circus clown. it's very nice knowing the world isn't against you and you might have carved a place into people's lives. i am who i am, i'm very open about things and i put myself out there. i'm as care free as ever and well that's me, like it or leave it. the overall response to me out here on the west coast is i'm a good dude, a little weird, but good none the less. some people don't get me, but that makes them want to continue picking my brain apart to see how i operate. that will never happen for them but it keeps them interested. so until the next time i see you, keep reading this. i'll be making random updates and posts just to keep everyone in touch with my where abouts and what i'm doing.

one love

wow whoa weeeeee

things are getting real wild in my world.

it's been insane on a daily basis.

playing in alpha & omega is awesome. i've made plenty of new friends, and have become closer with all the people who were already my friends. it's just real weird, it's like i've been thrusted into a the world of all my equals finally. i don't know if that makes sense to any one reading this but maybe i was oblivious to it honestly. i mean it's just crazy that i can call some of the people i know, friends, and they are looked up to in a strange "iconic" way of some sorts. i never thought i'd get to this point to be truthful. i thought i'd always be myself, doing my thing and no one would ever notice and that i'd just always be living in my own little world. things in the past year or so have turned upside down, it's not even funny. i've been on the road so much, home is more in a van then in bed with my dog and i've grown so comfortable with being in the presence of a new place, it's an alright feeling now. i've been in california for about a month now and i haven't had one complaint at all. i'm living with luis, and i hang out with people every day. did a tour with madball, it ruled. played shows with terror and befriended them, it ruled. playing shows with piece by piece, and again that rules. aaron and i are writing songs and trying to complete a demo asap so that i can sing for a band again, now that's just awesome. there's so many opportunities coming it up it's insane. i'm gonna be home at the end of march through april, then it's back out here in may til we write the record and do tours. i encourage anyone who calls me a friend to take a vacation and come out here and stay with me and just kick it for a little bit. even if it's for a week, just do it, it's amazing. cliff jumping, pools, beaches, mexican food, whatever you could want, it's here. even if we're not friends and you still want to get away for awhile, i am and i believe everyone at some point should, so just do it. come sleep on my floor or on my blow up mattress (current sleeping arrangement) you won't regret it. 

this is really random i know, but cruel hand fell asleep and i'm awake so i felt like typing something.

i'm out, new jersey, i'll see you soon.

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this has been my life for the past 3 months

and it will be for the next couple months.

bye bye.

hahaha

this whole situation has become utterly embarassing for you to me. I
can't even explain what pathetic thoughts are racing through my head.
the awkwardness has long surpassed and now it's moved on to pure
ridiculousness. when you've become all that you hate, it's hard to
remember who you were and what you stood for. who are you anyway? wow,
I'm so glad I've moved on and am happy and doing well. continue your
rat race to be no one, I'll just be laughing, doing my thing.

peace

yes, uh huh.

today is the first day of the madball tour. california is fun as
always but something's missing or I should say someone. it's crazy
how, in the midst of doing one of the coolest tours right now, my mind
seems to be thinking about things. I'm not sad, no, no, no. it's just,
things seem to be going really well for me and I love it. I haven't
been home since january 12th and my schedule will keep me away til
close to mid april. funny how things turn out for people. little old
me, living the life very few people will ever know.

by the way, I don't know if I should feel sorry for you or if you're
just that pathetic. either way, as hard as I try to say that the times
were good and there's still memories, the fact of the matter is you're
just like everyone else. that is the worst, oh well. no skin off my
back.

peace to the gods
I'm out
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