where i'm at

is where i want to be.

there's a crushing feeling that cripples the body when a person finds out that everything they want and need aren't so easily attained. brush back the hardships and find the silver lining. comb the adonis like hairs called life and relive the greatest moment known to man. insert your name and age when necessary and leave out the evil that provokes heartache. your skin is paralyzing to the touch, i can't restrain myself. if i hold on tight enough, i'll be attached to the hip with you forever. walk me to the morgue and leave me there to celebrate my overdue passing. the flowers look beautiful but smell stale. the peculiar odor is very disheartening and turns my stiff body to vapors. i want to be the sweat that drips and slides down your body in the ever so tender occurrences of passion. i grip your body with strength i never knew i possessed. i've wrapped myself in your arms like blankets on a baby. the warmth between us could light the darkest of days and fuel the emptiest of days. legs intertwined and hands locked and loaded for youthful mornings after spending the night lost in each others gaze. my chest won't sit still, it's pounding. my heart is looking for a way out and i won't let it leave. i want to give you the world. my world. if i ever see you again after this slumber, i pray it never ends. i still feel you, i still miss you, you've meant more to me then you'll ever know. if ever a day, you decide to stay, this waiting game i play will make up for time spent away.

just once, let's do something different.

when you have nothing and have to hustle to get by, it really brings out the best in you. (and the beast in you) is it comforting knowing that when shit needs to get done, i'm down to ride 110%. i don't know it's strange, whenever i'm placed on my own, i seem to flourish. if you get cornered and find yourself struggling to figure something out, look within and not outwardly. when you can assess the situation first, then you can ask people you thoroughly trust for a helping hand. often i try to pause, rewind, stop and replay moments instead of living in the present but no longer. i was on a good path for quite a while and somehow in the past couple weeks deviated from that path. i fell back into the swing of old things but i realized i lost focus and now i'm back on track. forwards ever, backwards never.

the all caring

maybe something is wrong?

maybe some things are wrong?

maybe some things never were.

maybe something goes right.

give me eyes, so that i may not see.

grant me speech, so that i must never speak.

lend me ears, so that i'll ignore the world.

don't wake me up to drive,

leaving you is worse then the thought.

losing touch

for what it's worth, my feelings towards the subject have drastically changed. i no longer feel obligated to try and make something out of nothing. the process of building up has replaced the long treacherous journey of breaking down. my mind works in strange ways and tells me to wake when it's obviously time to rest. the gathering of sleepless nights under my eyes is starting to weigh me down but i can't withstand it. can't i? the pressure pushing down on my shoulders is unbearable but i'm ready and willing to put up a decent fight. bob and weave from would be punches in the form of my past. "nobody's gonna love you like i loved you, face it." what was once broken has been repaired and that which held great precedence in my life has now shriveled up into a ball of senseless drama, one that i refuse to acknowledge. i've found a new love, who's body fits perfectly in my hands. the beads of sweat that are casually exchanged in moments of pure joy and glee hold such importance and i don't know why. i don't think i want to know why. i'd rather just let life, well be life this time around. she's brilliant is her delivery and i stand at attention when she speaks. her words are mature but reek of underlying humor. things that every day people care about are simply brushed under the rug and turned into something that both her and i can laugh at for hours. her smile lights up the room i used to call my heart. the empty space that was vacated has now found an occupant that it can hold onto. i want to touch her, right now, at this very instance, i want her in my arms. the tossing and turning with her resting body has become a dance i've learned quite well. let's call it what it is, two bodies letting go of their realistic experience and giving into the feeling of comfort. i can count on no hands how many times i've wanted to burn down her memory. i'm alive for once and it's so uplifting.

april eleventh two thousand nine

have you ever found death through a window?

just the gaze outside could drive a man insane.

the trees they are all so still.

motionless and calm.

i will never be like them.

i envy their security and their irresponsibility. 

my focus moves from outward to downward.

if the ground stopped yelling my name, i'd have a easier time moving away from the edge.

where's love in time of loss?

my only solace is now public infection.

gather up an army in my head.

i'd rather stay asleep instead.

you say i'm scum

nothing to update

nothing to say

nothing to nothing

sometimes things just fall apart right before your eyes

most times you're surrounded by pretenders and liars

the weeding out process has taken its toll

history repeats itself in ways you will never understand

home

and not a single thing has changed.

there's no rescue from this.

every waking day is just like the last.

why bother changing when life still remains.

the smile has been wiped clean

and something has turned to nothing.

a poor excuse for a life

two faced, scarred memories.

hold me tight

after you wake in the morning

i'll be gone.

happy happy

i've fallen in love with this song.

mostly in part because of natalie but none the less it's a ridiculously catchy song.

sxsw is almost here which should be fun.

good times with all my friends.

then after that driving up to united blood to kick it with more friends.

then it's home for awhile to do nothing and keep active.

that's all for now.

sleepless mess of things

is it me or do i look really awkward in this picture?

having long hair sometimes makes me look weird.

this picture pretty much sums up the past month or so.

i'm tired, i'm broken, i'm beaten down.

things have been great but a long overdue rest is needed.

and that's what i'm doing.

yuv ya.

bye.

for once in your life....

i'm sitting in the room i've called home for about a month now and i'm randomly happy. luis has given me a place to stay, which was very generous of him by the way and i owe him the world. there's talks of me moving out to california in late april/may-ish. we'll see how that works out. so the first tours are done for this year and i'm onto relax time. i get to go home, see my family, see natalie and just lounge around and do nothing. where i'm at mentally and such is an amazing feeling. if you could see the constant smile i've painted on my face the past couple months, you'd think i was a circus clown. it's very nice knowing the world isn't against you and you might have carved a place into people's lives. i am who i am, i'm very open about things and i put myself out there. i'm as care free as ever and well that's me, like it or leave it. the overall response to me out here on the west coast is i'm a good dude, a little weird, but good none the less. some people don't get me, but that makes them want to continue picking my brain apart to see how i operate. that will never happen for them but it keeps them interested. so until the next time i see you, keep reading this. i'll be making random updates and posts just to keep everyone in touch with my where abouts and what i'm doing.

one love