reclusion

fragile hands are swift reminders that life isn't what it may seem to be. when collecting thoughts of prior engagements, it's often hard to focus on what the real lesson is. i've slept in beds of royalty and dined with the poorest of mankind. i see no difference. the upper class hates themselves the same, if not equally as much as the lower class. it's your attitude about life that defines you, not the way you wish to display your character. just because you act rich doesn't mean you are rich. some people have millions but look as if they just pranced out of the local thrift store. when breezing through life becomes easier then actually living and experiencing this great planet, something is deathly wrong. i never set a standard or a goal for myself. i never felt the need to. i just thought that if things are going to happen for myself, they will. and they have, in my eyes at least. if someone would've asked me 4 years ago what i'd be doing this time right now, back then, i would've said, "i don't know, probably the same old shit." no prediction is the world would've been right and i'm okay with that. life takes turns and 180's and brings you full circle and back again. it's all in how you look at it and use it to your advantage. i've dined with the richest of mankind and slept in the beds of paupers. i refuse to see a difference.

what the fuck?

just did the first day of the afi/gallows tour. this is ridiculous.
I'm glad I took this opportunity. I'm thankful I have the ability to
do stuff like this. see you soon.

7:27am on monday, september 28th.

is it fascination or pure infatuation that's completely taken over my thought process? i can't get you out of my head. no matter how hard i try, every path i take leads directly back to you. your smile lights up my inner darkness and whisks me away to the place of pure childish excitement. i recall the feel of your skin against mine, oh the splendid ways we kissed. i held your hand and we danced into slumber for what felt like weeks at a time. my black cloud was simply a fashion accessory to perfect array of light you gave off, it only appeared when you were no where in clear sight. i've abandoned my only solace and exchanged my true love with my other true love. every song remind me of you. every waking minute brings your presence to the forefront. you were perfection in the simplest form. you were my beginning and my end. why must i float helplessly without your guidance? the sun's warmth isn't half as hot as when you de-robed and skin was the only thing between our bones. hearts pounding and beating uncontrollably, i wish this could last forever. i never want to be alone, unless it's with your memory. i'll be okay knowing that i had the chance and opportunity to at least try out my undying devotion on you and only you. photographs of your features bring me nothing but sorrow and emptiness but in the best way possible. i want to fight for your affection. you can call me when you want to call. i'll be waiting for you. i want to brush your hair away from your eyes and look deeply into your gaze and once again become speechless. beauty gets its definition from you. flawless in every single way. remember when you traced your fingers up my spine and we laughed about how we felt like we knew each other since childhood. i shared hidden things with you that no one will ever know about me. the one person who knows the most about me might not want to be in my life. the one person who can make and break me in one sentence has possibly forgotten me. there's words invented for times like these, sadly none are coming to mind. in mere seconds, i'll aim a gun at my head and shoot myself full of hope. here's hoping that when the time is right, the right will be right and wrong will be righted. cast only onto those who we push away, never harm the ones who are close. build up broken bridges but never places bridges over broken buildings. my automotive heart has learned to cruise in auto-pilot, will you take the wheel now? love, a character trait that's failed me again.

upcoming thought process

when does it stop and where does it end?

i've traced the path back but made no amends

holding broken dreams with crushed arms

when forever came knocking, i was already running

fever break soon, this hurting needs to stop

look towards the failing light

it's all that guides me home

brace your love, this doesn't feel right

i've shot myself full of hope tonight

tomorrow seems so far away

i'll be on tour with afi/gallows (and flogging molly for canada) til november 22nd then i go to the UK with trash talk to do another gallows tour. then i return home to get the band i joined with brian off the ground. a lot is coming my way. a lot to handle. i can take it, i can take it.

sometimes things turn around on you and darkness creeps up.

breath, this isn't anything to worry about.

get out of my face with that non sense.

i'm here for me and i'm making you leave.

so met hings

i think it hits you in the strangest places. the sudden burst of creativeness. the one thing you've been looking for and needed to put you over the edge. i think i've found my niche in what musical direction i want to head in when it comes to my personal life. there's little people know about me. i'm not all solid stone when it comes to emotion and expression. i love being the outgoing person i am and the personality i convey in the public eye. but there's plenty of private wars i fight on a daily basis. secrets and betrayals seem to be more reoccurring then love and success. when the future is based on a day to day track record where does the pay off come into play? i'm still waiting for that moment. that glimpse of hope that'll push the me to the breaking point. i want to be on the edge of insanity and brilliance, that's where truth and purpose takes form. turning around is easier then pushing forward through hard times and dark days. i've pressed my cheek up against the glass of innocence and starred at the victims of the nine to five. it's ugly and respectable but right now it's not for me. one day will i need a occupation that requires me to preform on that schedule? yes but not this instance. music is my passion and my passion is music. i've got ideas to change the world. if only me and you hear it then i've done at least something right. nothing is ever as it seems, words of heartache might tell a story of a broken home life or of the perfect girl that got away. sentences containing the most obvious lines about the yearning to be something can simply be about wanting to be nothing at all. cover your eyes and close your mouth and just feel for once.

Forecast reads cloudy.

there's billions of people in the world. not one of them shakes my foundation. well there are a few but those people mean more to me then my own well being. once i decided to leave the dead weight behind, i started living. i held onto the ones who i would never forget and would do anything for. i always told myself if i can't get by then my close companions would help me by. there is no giving up, no second best. you can't love something so much that you're willing to let it go once you've hit an obstacle. where would i be had i broken down and went down that already beaten path. my self esteem is at an all time high and i'm where i've always wanted to be. there's so much on my plate and i love it.

ispoiler.tumblr.com

yeeeee, and so it begins.

check me out yo.

man i'm looking good.

high knives with sharp fives

where does your head take you when you're doing 80 down a highway and
all you can do is stare out into the wilderness? you can try and try
to ignore what's racing through your mind but inevitably it comes to
the fore front. it's packaged in a dusty, old trunk tucked deep into
the back of your brain. it hasn't been touched in some time and
should've just disappeared like the rest of its kind. what's left
after you've burned and buried all you once knew? nothing remains and
what's dead stays dead. as hard as I try to feel, I just can't. I will
not put myself in a position to be brought down. if living is a trick
then I've become a master magician. I'm as cold as they come but still
so full of life. you can build all your bridges to me but I'll refuse
your passage as quickly as the next. you and you and you and you mean
absolutely nothing to me. airing dirty laundry is not a game you want
to play with me. I'll crush everything you stand for and leave you
questioning what exactly you believe in. test me, push me to the edge
and see who falls. my intelligence and wit is my balance and you're
teetering on an unstable ledge. forwards ever, backwards never.

summer tour time

I've spent my past three summers out on the road. some might call that
a curse but I'd like to think about it as a blessing. I'm out seeing
the country, experiencing a different spot every day, I can't
complain. I get to see my friends who I don't often get to see outside
of tour. they come to the shows, we catch up on what we've missed and
then part ways til next time. it always seems I get stuck with the
craziest tours and this one is no exception. so far it's been a little
bit of everything. there's been five bands playing and every single
one somehow involves a really good friend of mine. title fight is made
up of really young kids playing their hearts out and loving every
moment of it. I can't say I'm
100% into their music but I love the effort they give day in and day
out. it's pretty awesome to see them having a blast every single time
they take the stage. mother of mercy, I can legitimately say has some
of the best people in the band. bob and me might be the same person
when it comes to many aspects in life. joe kane is seriously the most
straight forward, down to earth dude I've ever come across. kyle and
vince are physcos and I love it. plus their band is great and you
can't deny music that's just all around well written and put together.
gypsy is a supergroup of sorts. members of cold world, blacklisted,
letxdown, and bad seed make up the band. it's often hard to figure out
what's going on at points but I like it. every member is my favorite
and that's cool. foundation is the last band and I'm the most excited
for them. they are the one band I've obsessed over for awhile because
I'm in love with their sound. the passion and effort they put into
their performance every single night is inspiring. it's nice to see
and know and watch people with similar mindsets do what they love and
I can't help but feel connected in a way. our van is packed with
goofballs, fresh faces, drunks, messes, angry ones and all around good
times. I don't anticipate any day on this tour being bad. I'll have
more updates in the future possibly with pictures. no one reads this,
no one ever will.