Thursday, July 31, 2008

I used to love her

its been 4 years of on and off dating for me. now the old me would
curse her name and use everything within me to hate her as much as
possible but not this time. this time it is over and the reasons were
stated and the verdict is unchangable. I'm not upset actually, I had
some really good times. waking up to someone after hard days and rough
nights. being able to tell someone my deepest fears and share with
them my highest highs. not everyone can say they spent a majority of
time with a genuine human being they cared about and wasnt faking it.
from room mates to seeing each other every other week to not seeing
one another for a month or two, we stuck it out. we did what some
people can't do for more then a week or so. I'm not a player or
someone who thinks highly of themselves, shit I think out of everyone
I know I have the worst self confidence but who wouldve guessed. I
cared about her. I really did legitimately think about her 24/7 but I
never showed it. yes I spoke such pretty words but I never followed
through. what I had for 4 years I wouldn't trade for anything in the
world. it tought me lessons about life, love, it even tought me things
about myself. in the past, I wouldn't know what to do with myself I'd
clam up and sit in my room and not have any clue what to do but no
more do I feel like that. I feel like she made the right decision to
leave and set herself fee of me. I'm glad she is somewhere right now
living her life, doing her thing and having fun. its funny the things
you put so much time into preparing for the future are the things that
dont need nursing to begin with. we were mending emotional scars and
wounds that shouldve never been touched after the initial injury. I
take 99% of the blame for all the things that went wrong. if I wasnt
so thick headed or stubborn a lot of things couldve easily been
avoided. but the past is the past and those who dwell on the past only
run the risk of repeating it. so here I am, almost a year into on and
off touring and this is what I love to do. I love music and everything
about it. one day, I'll get things right, I'll find you. I have spent
the past 4 years learning about love and how true it can be and how
poisoness it can become. I thought I couldn't live a day without her
but I was wrong. everyday when I wake up I'm on my own, by myself, in
a world where a lot of people care about me. so, to silvana ostafi,
I'm sorry and thank you. I dont think anything else needs to be said.
when I get home its back to the daily grind.

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